WOODEN SPOONERS – Brad Parker/Hank Scorpio NRL/Simpsons Clarification

The Wooden Spooners series returns with a public service rugby league announcement regarding the Brad Parker/Hank Scorpio NRL Simpsons link.

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Brad Parker/Hank Scorpio Clarification

Just to clarify and contrary to public belief – Brad Parker is not The Simpsons supervillain Hank Scorpio, nor is Hank Scorpio based on the Manly player.

We are not sure if Brad Parker is even a fan of The Simpsons or any animation, so any links to Hank Scorpio are without fact.

We are unaware of any attempt from Brad Parker to assemble his own gun crew of scientists and nuclear safety inspectors to oversee the construction of any weapons of mass destruction. Nor is there any proof that Parker is involved in the torture of any spies. Nor does he know where to buy the best hammocks.

And to clarify in advance, any bridges that blow up in the Northern Beaches area or anywhere in Sydney are purely coincidental and will not be related to Brad Parker/Hank Scorpio.

If you do see a bridge in the process of being blown up anywhere near a rugby league ground please contact 000 immediately.

Just because an NRL player looks exactly like a Simpsons character doesn’t mean they are actually that Simpsons character, nor is the Simpsons character based on any current rugby league player.

Further Simpsons-NRL Player Clarifications

In the spirit of the above public service announcement of the Brad Parker/Hank Scorpio situation, the following players/coaches would also like to announce in advance that they have nothing to do with any Simpsons favourite.

WAYNE BENNETT-MR BURNS

Please note that rugby league coaching veteran Wayne Bennett has never been Mr Burns, and despite coaching in the NSWRL before The Simpsons was launched in Australia, the creators of The Simpsons remain unaware of who Wayne Bennett is. As far as we know, Bennett’s never tried to block out the sun either. Though spies say that Bennet demands that service station workers fill up his car with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize his tires.

PETER V’LANDYS-ROGER MEYERS JR

We can see why the boss of rugba leeg has been confused with Roger Meyers Jr (the boss of Itchy & Scratchy), and let’s be honest, there’s a similar amount of violence involved in both, but V’Landys is most certainly not the boss of anything Itchy or Scratchy. Though ‘The Man of Feathers’ (thank you, Roy and HG) won’t rule out introducing a rapping dog into Channel Nein’s commentary team to boost sagging ratings.

PHIL GOULD-KRUSTY THE CLOWN

Speaking of Channel Nein, there’s absolutely no likeness between Phil ‘Gus’ Gould and veteran children’s entertainer Krusty the Clown. Neither of them are past their prime and and are now going through the motions in an outdated medium and making fools of themselves on a regular basis.

CAMERON SMITH-NED FLANDERS

There’s also no likeness between 400-plus game veteran Cameron Smith and Springfield perpetual goody-goody/God botherer Ned Flanders. While Flanders ponies up to The Man Upstairs (and Reverend Lovejoy) for help, there’s no truth that Smith was the NRLs Golden Boy throughout his career, allowing him to verbally abuse referees and escape punishment and taking six whole months to announce his retirement; his wife getting an extravagant gift to celebrate Smith’s 400th game was pure coincidence. We swear. Just don’t ask non-Storm/Maroons fans, who have an irrational Homer-like hatred of stupid, sexy Smith.

“UNCLE” NICK POLITIS-FAT TONY

Don’t believe the rumours that Eastern Suburbs supremo Nick Politis is in any way similar to Springfield’s mob boss Fat Tony. Unlike Fat Tony, there’s no way that Politis uses intimidation, various salary cap loopholes, and a dumptruck full of money to get what he wants. SBW arriving at the Roosters in time for the 2020 finals was pure luck. Honest. Though both are fans of the violin, either air or real.

RICKY STUART-GIL GUNDERSON

You’d better not compare former champion Raiders halfback and coach Ricky Stuart with the perpetually down on his luck Gil Gunderson. While ‘Ol’ Gil’ is desperate for that one break that will take him to the top (“the wolves are at Old Gil’s door“), Stuart is still not desperately searching for that elusive Raiders premiership after being ROBBED BLIND BY BEN CUMMINS AND GERARD SUTTON in 2019! While Gil constantly bemoans how close he came to closing the deal, Stuart never ever ever blames the referees when the Raiders are run down after leading by 10 points or more. Like Gil trying to succeed in the sales game, Stuart never repeats the same mistakes, like selecting players who have lost touch with the faster modern game or not picking enough backs on the bench. That never happens.

RAY WARREN-ABRAHAM “GRAMPA” SIMPSON

We LOVE veteran commentator Ray “Rabbits” Warren, and would NEVER compare him to Springfield’s old-time kook Abraham Simpson. Unlike Rabbits, Abe is either telling long, rambling stories that never go anywhere, wearing an onion on his belt, or slowly losing his mind while he rots away ignored in a dilapidated retirement home (at least it’s not the crooked one that Homer saw on 60 Minutes). However, Rabbits loves drinking Sarsparilla before calling a big game on Nein, as it “angries up the blood”.

NICHO HYNES-JIMBO JONES

The exciting Storm prospect would like to point out that he is not a schoolyard bully like Jimbo Jones, and owns very few beanies, so should not be confused with The Simpsons character.

CLINT GUTHERSON-LENNY

Talking of fullbacks, Parramatta’s Clint Gutherson has never been fan favourite Lenny from The Simpsons. Although the Eels number one does acknowledge the affection that people have for Lenny so is flattered by the comparison.

CAMERON MUNSTER-HERMAN HERMANN

The Storm and Queensland five eighth would also like to point out that he is not gun enthusiast Herman Hermann. And has a much better moustache. And two arms. We agree on all fronts.

BUZZ ROTHFIELD-HANS MOLEMAN

Despite being as miserable as each other, journalist Phil “Buzz” Rothfield is not Hans Moleman, and The Simpsons character was not based on the rugby league scribe. Simpsons producers informed the Wooden Spooners inquiries that Phil Rothfield is way too miserable to be an inspiration for the miserable Moleman and the agonizing pain in which he lives every dayyyyy…

The Simpsons producers also advised that Hans Moleman actually likes rugby league, which disqualifies Buzz as a comparison.

JOSH MANSOUR-GUY FROM GOGGLEBOX

While we are on the subject of NRL lookalikes, current Souths and former Penrith winger Josh Mansour is not that guy from Gogglebox, despite not being able to explain his nightly absences watching a lot of TV and his free Foxtel.

FLETCH & HINDY – BILL & MARTY

Whilst there are many similarities between Fox League’s favourite duo and the most well known radio partnership in Springfield, it is merely coincidental. One duo is much funnier and better at broadcasting than the other. We’ll let you work out which one is which.

BRAITH ANASTA-INANIMATE CARBON ROD

Finally we can confirm that there has been some DNA crossover from Braith Anasta to the Inanimate Carbon Rod.