Crapotheticals – Which Corporate Logo Character Would win the Ultimate Corporate Logo Mascot Smackdown

It’s been a while since we came up with anything really ridiculous, I mean a real time waster filler, and we believe this edition of our Crapotheticals fills/kills the time nicely.

Not too long ago we put a call out to our many loyal reader at The Gurgler asking for their favourite/top corporate logos of all time, trying to get as many Australian ones as possible. As well as obscure ones of course. We ended up with 16, which gave us a nice round number to work out which one would win the ultimate smackdown.

How are they judged? We have four categories – Strength, Agility, Sneaky Skills and Weapon Used in battle. Our panels of “experts” came up with a score out of 5 for each category, and from the total of all four we have the ultimate winner over 4 knockout rounds.

It’s worthless information, maybe worse than worthless, and that’s just the way we like it, it’s a Crapothetical after all.

THE FIELD

Please note the following:
S – Strength / A – Agility / SS – Sneaky Skills / W – Weapon of Choice

CHESTY BONDS MAN – (S – 4 / A – 2 / SS – 1 / W – 2)

A big burly man who might scare off the opposition to start with, but will find it hard to arm wrestle an opponents to death.
Weapon of choice – Arm Wrestling.

XXXX MAN – (S – 2 / A – 3 / SS – 3 / W – 1)

The XXXX Man always looks happy and usually is, but anyone who is the face of a brewing company is going to drink a bit, and they can sneaky and nasty. We’ve been promised he doesn’t get punchy though.
Weapon of  choice – A dodgy Meat Tray.

RYOBI NINJA – (S 3 / A – 4 / SS – 5 / W – 4)

Disciplined and mysterious, the Ryobi Ninja is the most professionally trained in death in this field of mascots. Mysterious too, like any ninja, you never quite see his face, like a dentist.
Weapon of Choice – A Big Ass Samurai Sword and Ninja moves.

AL & TEC from ALTEC – (S 3 – A – 1 / SS – 0 / W – 2)

Whilst they may be great at installing your patio of carport – or not, Al and Tec don’t look to have the mean streak to take out this royal rumble. But one would think if the opponent was a big meat pie, it’d be murder.
Weapon of Choice – A nail gun.

JACK THE SLASHER – (S – 3 / A – 1 / SS – 3 / W – 3)

By far the most obscure mascot here, the face of a small chain of supermarkets from back in the day looks menacing, and with his giant pirate sword is one to fear.
Weapon of choice – Big Ass Pirate Sword.

LOUIE THE FLY – (S – 0 / A – 5 / SS – 4 / W – 1)

Small in stature but speedy, and that almost makes up his lack of a deadly weapon to really fear.
Weapon of choice – Bacteria

HMV DOG – (S – 1 / A – 1 / SS – 1 / W – 3)

Dogs are usually animals to fear in normal circumstances, but given this dog hangs out and listens to loud music, it misses the agility and sneaky skills through deafness. That or all the Katy Perry, Sixpence None The Richer and Freaked Out Flower Children has forced the dog to go deaf by choice.
Weapon of Choice – Biting and Rabies.

TWITTER BIRD LOGO – (S – 0 / A – 5 / SS – 2 / W – 3)

The bird has many powerful friends all around the world, but whether that translates to battle field remains to be seen.
Weapon of Choice – Bird Flu or Kardashians.

PADDLEPOP LION – (S – 2 / A – 1 / SS – 0 / W – 0)

A popular enough figure, especially amongst the kids, but hardly one that will trouble others in a royal rumble.
Weapon of Choice – Brain Freeze or Diabetes.

TOOHEYS STAG – (S – 4 / A – 2 / SS – 1 / W – 3)

One of the more fearsome animals amongst our group of logos, and with those antlers will be hard to take on in the ring.
Weapon of Choice  – Antlers

ST GEORGE BANK DRAGON (S – 4 / A – 1 / SS – 0 / W – 4)

Big and menacing, but not overly mobile, loads of strength and fire is always a great weapon. But, can it compete against the swifter, more mobile logos?
Weapon of Choice – Fire Breathing

MR SHEEN (S – 1 / A – 2 / SS – 1 / W – 2)

More John Howard than John Rambo, he looks like first round cannon fodder. Has bugger all scores in every department, so unlikely to win first bout, but at least it will be a clean fight.
Weapon of Choice – Chroming

RED BULLS (S – 5 / A – 1 / SS – 1 / W – 3)

The Terrifying Taurine Twosome Tagteam – aka the giant Red Bulls are a sight to fear for any opposing mascot hoping not to get in the middle of the clashing, hyped up energy drink consuming animals. Hopefully stays off the Red Bull or an opponent may come across a grumpy bull or two on energy drink withdrawal.
Weapon of Choice – Bull related injuries.

PEDDERS BULL (S – 4 / A – 3 / SS – 1 / W – 3)

Similar but not to the Red Bulls above, still bull related but there a loss of strength with only one bull, but the Pedders Bull has a lot more agility and a helmet for protection.
Weapon of Choice – Bull related injuries.

TOILET DUCK (S – 1 / A – 5 / SS – 1 / W – 1)

Everyone loves a duck, and admires his ability to contort his neck to keep your toilet bowl looking it’s cleanest – hence his 5 for agility. But not sure how he’s going to fare against Pirates, Bulls, and Ninjas.
Weapon of Choice – If you drank the contents of a Toilet Duck bottle I guess you’d be a little unwell.

ABC LOGO (S – 0 / A – 2 / SS – 5 / W – 1)

Not sure how this made the Top 16 list, or how it would be able to handle some of the bigger, more human logo mascots. Has Agility and excellent sneaky skills to survive in the world of journalism. But bugger all strength and weapon.
Weapon of Choice – Investigation Journalism.

THE BATTLE

Here are the results based on the numbers for categories above.  * Note that in the event of a draw – weapon takes priority.

For each subsequent round the winner carries over the points for their opponents weapon, and they get a point for each category won.

ROUND 1

The usual suspects get through. Although Jack the Slasher and his big sword almost got knocked out by Louie the Fly,.

ROUND 2

The XXXX man surprises Jack the Slasher, whilst two bulls make the last 4 and the front running Ryobi Ninja.

SEMI FINALS

Energy drink beats soft drink as the XXX man loses to the Red Bull company. It was never in doubt for the Ryobi Ninja.

GRAND FINAL

The Ryobi Ninjas defeats the Red Bull for the first inaugural Corporate Logo Mascot Royal Rumble.

Did we leave someone out, let us know below on your thoughts.

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