Helped by some rule changes, the 2023 Super Pacific Rugby season has seen more tries, less penalty goals, and higher scores. The ACT Brumbies alone have beaten Moana Pasifika 62-36, the NSW Waratahs 40-36, and the Queensland Reds 52-24. Other high scores included: Fijian Drura beating Moana 36-34, the Waikato Chiefs beating Moana 52-29, the Melbourne Rebels beating NSW 34-27, the Otago Highlanders beating the Force 43-35, and the Highlanders beating Fiji 57-24.
But Sydney-born Johnson Terwilliger-Smyth-Rothdale III is disgusted by the new ‘woke’ Rugby.
”This ‘woke’ sport that’s pretending to be the Game They Play in Heaven is disgusting! I played NSW club Rugby for 25 years and we were fined if we scored more than 20 points in a game. The best games were tryless 6-3 battles with proper scrums, attacking phases that went for 10 minutes, and the forwards tearing into each other. It was a genuine test of nerve and the team with the best discipline won. As it should be,” Johnson told Everyday News Staff Writers.
“But the cowardly Super Rugby administrators are terrified of losing people to that pathetic rugby league nonsense. So they have to change the purest game in the world to keep them happy. My grandfather Johnson Terwilliger-Smyth-Rothdale I, and my father Terwilliger-Smyth-Rothdale II, taught me to treat the ‘other’ rugby code as the enemy! They have six tackles because their simpleton fans can only count that far. And they have the hide to call Rugby Union ‘boring’! We don’t need them! I have three PhDs and——“
The interview ended suddenly when the Staff Writers fell asleep. So Johnson, after more rants about “lazy, snowflake reporters”, decided to watch a replay of a 6-3 borefest between England and Scotland from 1972. Which we assume made him happy.
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of The Betoota Advocate. We swear.
