It’s a new year, a full blank canvas of sport and life awaits, but before too much happens we thought we’d throw together some Bold Sporting Predictions for 2023.
The Gurgler likes to throw their predictions at any old sport, and since it’s good enough for most respectable sporting news outlets and News Ltd, it’s good enough for us.
So prepare yourself for some quick time travel and take a quick look into the future with our Bold Sporting Predictions for 2023.
Bold Sporting Predictions for 2023
FIFA WILL AWARD THE 2030 WORLD CUP TO SAUDI ARABIA, EXPAND THE COMPETITION TO 128 TEAMS, AND CHARGE EACH COUNTRY A $20M ENTRY FEE
Fresh from the success of the 2022 Qatar Football World Cup where if you overlook all the off field stuff, which FIFA did, it was one of the great on field tournaments and FIFA made a sh!tload of money.
So emboldened and becoming even more arrogant than ever, FIFA will not even ask for a bidding process, simply giving the World Cup to Saudi Arabia.
And going with the more is more, FIFA will expand the competition from the oversized 48 teams scheduled to compete for the 2026 World Cup in North America, by expanding the World Cup to a super-sized 128 teams, and it will take a full 2 months of four games a day to complete.
As above the $20M entry fee will guarantee at least the FIFA executive committee’s wages are taken care of.
PENRITH PANTHERS WON’T WIN THE NRL TITLE, FOX LEAGUE AND PAUL KENT WILL BLAME JAROME LUAI, ROOSTERS WILL WIN AND RE-SIGN ALL THEIR STARS AND SIGN NEW ONES
Penrith have been the NRL’s dominant club for the past few years, and have won two titles in a row with a third grand final appearance before that.
But for some reason our 2023 crystal ball can’t see a hat trick of titles for the Panthers, instead it is full of feathers.
That’s right, the Bold Sporting Predictions for 2023 sees the Roosters being top of the roost this year. The beauty of it for the Roosters is that they will somehow not only keep all their players, but will sign at least two stars from other clubs and fit it all under their salary cap.
As for Penrith, the rot will start kicking in around Origin time, where injuries will start hurting them, leaving “Fox League Writers” and Paul Kent to hammer Jarome Luai mercilessly for the last three months of the season.
LEWIS HAMILTON WILL QUIT F1 MID SEASON OVER FIA BAN ON SUPPORTING CAUSES. WILL RELEASE AN ALBUM. WILL DRIVER FOR FERRARI IN 2024.
Lewis Hamilton and Daniel Ricciardo had a lot in common in 2022. Neither won a race, both were outshone by their team mate, and we’re saying neither will drive in the second half of the 2023 season.
With the FIA issuing a warning to drivers that they must run all worth causes by them first, drivers who care like Lewis Hamilton will no doubt find this extremely frustrating.
Frustrating enough, and in combination to his team mate George Russell getting the upper hand, the multiple World Champion will sensationally quite Mercedes mid season.
But he won’t waste his time, calling upon his many famous friends to collaborate in making a protest album highlighting all the causes he holds dear.
Our crystal ball doesn’t just stop at 2023, as it flashes up the image of Lewis Hamilton in red overalls for 2024.
MANCHESTER CITY WILL WIN EVERY TROPHY AVAILABLE THIS SEASON AND APPLY TO FIFA (WITH $100M ENTRY FEE) TO BECOME STAND ALONE ENTRY INTO 2026 WORLD CUP
The football juggernaut that is Manchester City will take the next step in the journey of football domination by the end of May 2023 by winning every single competition they are involved in.
This will create a record and will be on the back of Erling Haaland getting close to scoring 100 goals in all competitions this season.
The problem is, what do the club do from this achievement?
Easy. Given Manchester City’s backing of a middle east nation, and the willingness of FIFA to keep those countries happy, the club will officially apply to FIFA to enter a team into the 2026 World Cup in North America.
FIFA being FIFA will rub their hands at the thought of it, and charge them a mere $100M to allow it.
NRL PLAYERS WILL GO INCIDENT FREE IN JANUARY
This one is a long shot, but for some reason our crystal ball sees the rugby league community holding it together and behaving themselves for at least the first month of the season.
Perhaps they know the bored writers, sorry “Fox League Writers” will be off their Christmas break and be hanging out in bars, toilets and late night fast food runs, waiting to tell the world about the latest slip up.
RED BULL WILL INVENT A NEW EXTREME SPORTS THAT FEATURES A BIRDMAN RALLY TYPE EVENT WITH A PARACHUTE OUT OF A HELICOPTER ONTO A SKI SLOPE. WILL CALL IT WING-SPORT. WILL APPLY TO MAKE IT AN OLYMPIC SPORT
Red Bull do like to sponsor some crazy out-there sports, but in 2023 they will go one step further and create the craziest of them all.
But merely creating it and supplying the audience with their beverage won’t be enough. Red Bull will take their sport and apply to see it included in the 2024 Olympics in Paris.
NOVAK DJOKOVIC WILL WIN THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN, UPON WINNING WILL TURN GREEN LIKE THE INCREDIBLE HULK AND START SMASHING THE LAVER ARENA
After being booted out of the country for the Australian Open in 2022, Novak Djokovic will more than make up for it in 2023 with a win in the first tennis major of the season.
But immediately after the win he will turn large and green, ripping his shirt to pieces as he become incredible hulk-like. After a good couple of minutes of terror inducing smashing of the centre court, he will be tranquilised and sent to Werribee like international horses for the Melbourne Cup.
An investigation post-Hulk inspired rampage will find that the tennis champion had a bad reaction from the metal used for the Australian Open trophy, and ironically the antidote for being allergic to the trophy is a very close relative of the Covid vaccine.
THE KFC BIG BASH WILL ADD MORE TEAMS AND MORE GAMES TO ENSURE THE COMPETITION OFFICIALLY DIES IN THE ARSE
The KFC Big Bash used to be a big box office summer sporting treat, now it is summer background TV at best.
That won’t stop Cricket Australia trying to milk more out of the cash cow (no, not that one, that’s a bit weird) by creating four new franchises – one in North Queensland, one in Regional Victoria, one in Canberra, and confirming they have no idea – Gold Coast.
This means that teams will probably play another six games each, on top of the way-too-many they are already playing. This in turn stretches out the playing talent to lower than first grade cricket in capital cities and the average Joe and Joanne will finally turn off.
AUSTRALIAN HOTEL ASSOCIATION WILL INTRODUCE A $5 COVER CHARGE FOR ALL NRL PLAYERS USING TOILET IN THEIR ESTABLISHMENTS IN EXCHANGE FOR TOTAL IMMUNITY FOR WHAT HAPPENS IN THERE
With reference to the above NRL players behaving in January this year, one of the reasons is the introduction of our next bold sporting prediction for 2023.
The Australian Hotel Association have eventually worked out that rugby league players like to hang around in toilets and do some of their best work in the, so instead of fighting the potential trouble they are embracing it. At a cost.
This will ensure that rugby league players will feel safe and spend their time and money in their local watering hole, knowing that their private life and toilet life will remain their own little secret.
ON THE BACK OF THE EXPLODING POPULARITY OF FORMULA ONE, THE NRL WILL INTRODUCE A PRE-MATCH CELEBRITY AND MEDIA MINGLE SESSION WITH THE PLAYERS ON THE FIELD BEFORE EACH STATE OF ORIGIN GAME
One of the biggest moments before each Grand Prix in Formula One is the grid walk and pre race mingling on the grid, packed full of celebrities. And the NRL will think in 2023 that if it is good enough for F1, it’s all good for NRL.
The broadcaster Channel Nein is on board, and they will be desperate to crowbar as many MAFS and Block “stars” as possible for the ultimate in cross promote.
Only issue is the Martin Brundle equivalent of grid walk interviewer who is ignored by most famous people has yet to be filled due to a lack of interest.
ON THE BACK OF THE EXPLODING POPULARITY OF FORMULA ONE, AND THE SUCCESS OF ELON MUSK’S TAKEOVER OF TWITTER, THE HAAS F1 TEAM WILL PUT THEIR 2024 DRIVER LINE UP TO A TWITTER VOTE
With Gunther Steiner becoming as big a celebrity as the drivers, he will let the popularity go to his head in 2023 as the F1 season winds down and he looks to 2024.
The current Haas boss will tell both drivers their seats are up for 2024, and he will put their names, plus a short list of other options up on Twitter, and the top two drivers by vote will race for the team in 2024.
