Welcome to the first of one of our regular bits leftover from our temporarily extinct podcast – the Crapothetical.
Simply, it is what normal people would call a hypothetical, except it is about crap subjects, with even more crap responses. We answer the questions no one is asking, that no one would think of, and that no one will care.
Lack of readership hasn’t stopped us before, why would it.
This edition is about which cartoon characters from the past would make the best XIII in a rugby league team. The older and more obscure the better, and we’ve got both covered.
So enjoy our first Crapothetical, answer the questions you don’t need answers to.
THE CARTOON RUGBY LEAGUE XIII
1 – FULLBACK – ASTRO BOY
With the ability to fly thanks to jet propelled feet, no one is safer under the high ball. 2 – WING – SPIDERMAN
Cross field kicks for this corner are no problem with the Red masked wonder able to reel in a kick of varying quality with his web shooting hands. 3 – CENTRE – TASMANIAN DEVIL
Hard to defend against, and the best hit and spin in the game. Doesn’t pass the ball, but that hasn’t hurt Justin Hodges. 4 – CENTRE – CAPTAIN CAVEMAN
When not using his club in attack or defence, he can simply yell at defenders to break the line. 5 – WING – ROADRUNNER
Speed to burn like a feathered Martin Offiah, but enough smarts to outwit any opposition. Especially teams trying to distract by offering plates of free seed. 6 – FIVE EIGHTH – INSPECTOR GADGET
With tricks galore, he is the ultimate play maker in the half pairing. Able to deliver a half width of field cut out pass directly to the chest of runners with his go-go gadget arms. 7 – HALFBACK – ORKO
Crafty and Evasive. Whilst he has no legs to kick with, is very hard to tackle because of it. Reads a game like no other. 8 – PROP – BEBOP
Rough and ready, forms a menacing partnership with Rocksteady. 9 – HOOKER – REN HOEK
Scheming and bordering on psychotic , his small stature but feisty attitude makes him the perfect rake. 10 – PROP – ROCKSTEADY
The other half of the TMNT front row partnership. Has the best offload of any cartoon character in the world. 11 – 2nd ROW – HE MAN
Big, strong, and powerful, don’t let his perfect man-bob haircut and outfits of leather vests, underpants and knee high boots, he is the real deal of second rowers. 12 – 2nd ROW – MAN AT ARMS
A throwback to a different era with his moustache and alfoil helmet, he is the cartoon equivalent of Terry Matterson and Gene Miles. 13 – LOCK – HULK
Green and mean, and with a fend that can’t be beat.
INTERCHANGE
14 – SHREDDER
Almost impossible to tackle with the blades on his arms and legs. Injuries are the main concern, usually caused by tripping on his cape. 15 – FAT ALBERT
No side I a side without a larger than life lovable character in the vein of George Rose. So we plump for Fat Albert. 16 – HAGAR THE HORRIBLE
Providing a little more muscle than speed, Hagar’s in your face aggression and horned helmet makes him someone to avoid tackling or being tackled by. 17 – HENRY’S CAT
Like most 4th reserves, they are the least useful, and it provided us the opportunity to come up with the most obscure cartoon character we could remember from afternoons on ABC.
COACH – CAPTAIN PLANET
If anyone can hold a rag tag bunch of personalities and skills, it’s Captain Planet.
As so onto the European Football for this week, and much like in the UK, the talk is of the European competitions, except in the other leagues cases it is about who is drawn in the next round rather and not being in it.
Unusually for our website, we have the breaking news of who’s drawn who. The pick of the fixtures is a replay of last year’s final and a Madrid derby. Atletico have had the best of the fixtures this season too, so it is a real chance of one of the big guns going out.
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE DRAW
PSG v BARCELONA
ATLETICO MADRID v REAL MADRID
PORTO v BAYERN MUNICH
MONACO v JUVENTUS
EUROPA LEAGUE DRAW
SEVILLA v ZENIT ST PETERSBURG
DNIPRO DNIPROPETROVSK v CLUB BRUGGE
DYNAMO KYIV v FIORENTINA
WOLFSBURG v NAPOLI
Other snippets of news include Gareth Bale continuing to annoy Real Madrid fans and Ronaldo. Zlatan offending large parts of France after being offended by large parts of France. Italian club Parma have gone into liquidation. More on these can be found at much better website, but we’d thought we try and get you interested.
SUNDAY NIGHT EUROPEAN TIME
BARCELONA v REAL MADRID
Is there a bigger game in Europe?
Last full weekend of fixtures before the ever annoying International break so enjoy it while you can, and thankfully by the time we return, daylight savings has set in, giving the loyal fans another valuable hour of sleep.
Talking of an international break, that is the major talking point in UK Football, that all English Football teams will not be going any further in any of the European competitions, making it the first time in over 20 years since no team has gone into the quarter finals.
The questions now abound about why the English clubs don’t go any further, some claim it’s the managers fault, some blame the lack of a winter break, there’s also the compeditiveness of the league itself, or that the big names no longer go to the UK. One could argue it is a mixture of those points and more, the silver lining for fans is the lack of distraction will hopefully lead to bigger and better clashes on the final run of the season.
Sunderland succumbed to the inevitable and sacked manager Gus Poyet, probably for a variety of reasons, but the latest 4-0 loss to a side who equalled their previous total of away goals in one half was the delivery of nails to the Sunderland board courtesy of Gus. Vision of numerous fans storming out after the 3rd goal around 38 minutes would also not help Gus’ case.
Thankfully for the UK tabloids pun headline writes, Dick Advocaat has joined until the end of the year, providing so many opportunities to add cat based puns into match reviews.
Burnley’s win over Manchester City last weekend proved that they look the only one of the bottom three looking up for the fight to avoid the drop. If they do, it means all three promoted teams’ stay is just one season long. At thend other end City’s loss tightens up 2nd to 5th, with now 2nd an achievable target for all of the current top 5 with a good run.
In the league where QPR and Leicester look to be joining next year, the race for who replaces them is as tight as it has been for many years. Just 5 points separates the Top 5 teams, with another bunch of sides hanging around close enough to squeeze into the finals at minimum.
At the other end Blackpool are edging closer to being the first team relegated this year.
Bristol City are in the division below, but are almost confirmed in going the other way with an 11 point lead in League One.
Bottom of the four divisions Hartlepool won away during the week to get within 4 points of safety after looking down for the count not long ago. That drop into the abyss of the Vanarama Conference looks less likely at the moment.
Here we list the highlights of the weekend according to us, and then a more comprehensive list.
EPL
SUNDAY
LIVERPOOL v MAN UTD
Clash of the Titans, bitter enemies, and Top 4 on the line.
CHAMPIONSHIP
FRIDAY NIGHT (UK)
WOLVES v DERBY – 8th v 5th
SATURDAY
BOURNEMOUTH v MIDDLESBROUGH – 3rd v 2nd
WATFORD v IPSWICH – 1st v 7th
LEAGUE ONE
SATURDAY
BARNSLEY v PRESTON – 6th v 2nd
PETERBORO v CHESTERFIELD – 7th v 8th
CRAWKEY v LEYTON ORIENT – Relegation six pointer.
JOHNSTONE’S PAINT TROPHY
BRISTOL CITY v WALSALL
A Cup for just 3rd and 4th div. A chance to win a trophy at Wembley.
With the first round of the cricket World Cup now completed, it is a good time to go back quickly and reflect on what was good so far. We’ve listed a few of our favourite things, none of which will be sung by Julie Andrews or any kids dressed in curtains. On a whole though the World Cup has been enjoyable, and maybe it’s the Fox coverage or getting to see different nations, but 50 over has been all right this World Cup, this from someone who thought it should be scrapped for just Tests and T20.
FAVOURITE POINTS
– A constant bitch here, but the next World Cup limited the associate nations seems very unfair as all the minnows played and competed very well throughout, with very few embarassments. In fact the biggest loss at this, and any World Cup was the West Indies against South Africa. Scotland’s Josh Davey was high amongst the leading wicket takers, and there were centuries a plenty from the four lesser nations. Ireland fell just one win short of making the knock out stages, a feat England didn’t manage.
– England’s early demise is always good, as long as it doesn’t give extra preparation time for the real stuff in their summer this year.
– Kumar Sangakarra showed his quality with four centuries in a row. A good bet at the start of the World Cup for most runs surely deserves it more than Chris Gayle whose 200+ was impressive as his remaining innings disappointing.
FAVOURITE THINGS
BEST INNINGS – AB de VILLERS v WEST INDIES 162 (62)
BEST BOWLING – TRENT BOULT v AUSTRALIA 5/27 (10)
BEST GAME – AUSTRALIA v NEW ZEALAND
BEST UPSET – IRELAND BEATING THE WEST INDIES
BEST MOMENT – CARTWHEELING AFGHANISTAN BOWLING AFTER WICKET
BEST CROWD – INIDA v PAKISTAN
BIGGEST DISSAPOINTMENT – IRELAND NOT MAKING THE FINALS
KNOCKOUT TIPS AND QUICK PREVIEW
WEDNESDAY
SRI LANKA v SOUTH AFRICA
Probably the toughest to pick out of the four finals, and the big questions will be whether Sangakarra can continue his run of quality centuries, and whether this is the game where South African choke and implode to miss out on World Cup glory again.
OUR VERDICT – South Africa to win on the strength of better bowling attack. Both sides will score plenty.
THURSDAY
BANGLADESH v INDIA
The opposite of the first game on paper as India should take care of the Bangladesh side, who have been very compeditive through the World Cup. India have turned around their form and attitude from the latter part of the Australian tour, and have more than enough batting firepower up the order, and the best finishing batsman anywhere in MS Dhoni.
OUR VERDICT: India by a few if they bat first.
FRIDAY
AUSTRALIA v PAKISTAN
Pakistan are one of the Jekyll and Hyde sides remaining, and Australia will be hoping it will be more of their recent form in this world cup than the recent tour to see Pakistan.
The Aussies have settled on a line up which on paper looks better than Pakistan, and given some recent exploits should be very entertaining to watch. The disappointment so far this world cup is Shahid Afridi’s batting, from which we were expecting more of the type of innings that have been coming from Glenn Maxwell, who is starting to add achievement to potential and personality.
VERDICT: Australia to win easy.
SATURDAY
NEW ZEALAND v WEST INDIES
The West Indies are an enigma, and are probably still trading off the names of their previous gun sides from 80’s to 90’s.
Chris Gayle’s 200+ shows what good the Windies can do on a good day, the loss against Ireland shows the complete cycle.
New Zealand however have been the form side of the competition and with all their remaining games except for the final in New Zealand, they are well set for triumph.
OUR VERDICT: West Indies to sneak home – they are due one more good performance.
Welcome to The Gurgler’s review of the first GP of the year. After each race we’ll attempt to dissect some of the happenings of the race.
YAWNMULA ONE
It was a long time coming since the last race, and it felt a long time in finishing with a distinct lack of action after an early peak of the first lap, and the installation lap.
The bandwagon was full of moaning passengers after the first race, and it was not without some justification as the race panned out, but an underlying theme of engine conservation may one of the biggest faults for this during the 58 laps of Albert Park.
Given that only 15 of the 20 cars actually made it to the starting grid, you can’t blame some of the teams if they turned down the engine on Sunday. Of those 15, one was Daniel Ricciardo who has already gone through a couple of engines. Two others were the Force India whose winter testing running was limited to a handful of days, at least they had a Mercedes to rely on. In worse shape still was Jenson Button, whose winter testing lap total was barely bigger than his car number, and who had seen his temporary teammate’s car blow an engine getting from the pits to the grid.
There is promise though, there was a few good scraps and chases behind the leaders, one can only hope that a few more cars starting the race will increase the on track action.
MERCE-JA-VU
Mercedes and Lewis Hamilton picked up where they left off from a large chunk of last year with a dominant pole and easy win. The frightening thing for other teams and Rosberg was the ease of it all. After playing with the opposition in qualifying they had the race all to themselves, and it won’t be the last 1-2 for them this year.
All you can hope for is a good tight battle between the two, it could be worse, in the Ferrari dominated days of 2000’s the Ferrari would be as dominant but only had one possible winner of race. A little more of the hate from last year is required, but Nico Rosberg will need to get close enough to pull a few of those moves in 2015, and on form down under, it looks like Hamilton will add title number three to his burgeoning celebrity, golf handicap and music career in 2015.
Straight talking Niki Lauda after the race gives the impression that drivers will be free to race and, that in today’s everybody gets a ribbon world, there’s still plenty of room for honest feedback of your team before filtering it through the PR speak machine.
BEST OF THE REST
One bonus to come out of the first race is that it looks like two cars will fight out for the third step of the podium and backup race winner. Ferrari and Williams look pretty even in the best of the rest chasing pack, and a fighting fit Bottas and an incident free Kimi will surely add some welcome battles behind the safety car.
Vettel’s timing in leaving Red Bull looks inspired as he was the next best for most of the weekend, whilst his old team couldn’t keep up with a boom rookie driver (and impressive in his first race) in a Sauber despite best efforts from Ricciardo and the other car didn’t even make the grid. Renault will be thankful Honda are around this year to save them from the title of worst F1 engine. Hard to improve given engine freezing, so Red Bull may look for a new boost next year. Maybe even a Honda.
BACK O THE GRID
The battle for last raged for a good portion of the Australian Grand Prix, with Jenson Button pulling off all kinds of heroics to hold off Perez amongst other for second last until the inevitable happened and he remained last. The other inevitable of a spectacular explosion or meek failure did not eventuate and just one more retirement ahead would have given McLaren Honda a point, whilst not deserved on performance would have been a just reward for determination.
Whether or not Alonso will return in Malaysia will probably be the side interest of the break between races, and few could blame him if he wanted to stay in the European sunshine instead of tooling around in 50 degree temperatures at the back of the grid. Alonso might be experiencing a form of buyers remorse over his move to the Honda powered team, and he may have been better off to follow Alain Prost as he did in 1992 after his sacking by Ferrari, by sitting out and waiting for the good drive to arrive. The 1992 Ferrari was pure evil, and the 1993 Williams unbeatable.
WHAT ELSE?
– Was the Sauber that good, making a lie of testing, or was the opposition so poor that it flattered to deceive. The development of Sauber usually means a drop off down the track, but it looks like a good car all the same, and no doubt the van der Garde wanted his drive.
– Max Verstappen looked very good for a 17 year old, and deserved points on debut.
– Lotus pair Grosjean and Maldonaldo are the first retirement cash cows again, sealing the first outs for cars who started. Sure it wasn’t Pastor’s fault, but one gets the feeling there will be some that will be this season.
– Fox Sports coverage is something to look forward to throughout 2015, with all the sessions live it has come a long way from the delayed Channel 9 races from the 80’s and 90’s, and even he days where you had to wait until the end of RPM on Channel 10 to find out the grid.
F1 is back finally, unlike most other websites of great repute we’re not doing a preview well in advance of the season, bugger that, we’ve waiting until qualifying to double check our initial thoughts are close enough.
After spending months of scouring the internet for scraps of F1 related information we finally get some real action to enjoy. Not that bite sized pieces of will Marussia/Manor make it to the grid, how bad the McLaren Honda will be this year, or anything Hamilton-Scherzinger related aren’t truly excellent and riveting things to read.
Contrary to popular belief, 2014 was a classic season. Sure one team was far superior to the rest of the grid, but unlike previous seasons where certain red cars were dominant, the Mercedes were allowed to fight each other all the way to the end of the season, even at their own detriment at times in 2014. But that’s all you can hope for when one car is dominant – fairness and fighting.
It went to Lewis Hamilton in the end, and deservedly so when comparing bad luck and total wins.
Other good things to come out of 2014 were the emergence of Dan Ricciardo as a surprise frontrunner, giving four time World Champion Sebastian Vettel the hardest time he’s experienced in F1 which eventually saw him off to Ferrari for 2015. The other good feeling from 2014 was the resurgence of most F1 neutrals favourite team Williams. The team turned around their downward Tyrrell-like spiral to be the second fastest car throughout most of the year.
Not to be forgotten in 2014 was some of the best racing seen in F1 for a long time behind the silver front runners, which more than made up for the lack of big noise coming from the new generation turbo engines. One can only hope it continues this year, but just a little further up the grid.
2015 Testing brought the usual stories of fast runs for sponsors and sandbagging for the real pace setters, but expert opinion by the end of the time leaves the top of the 2015 order looking similar to 2014 with Mercedes looking the quickest gain.
Behind them, the chasing pack seems to have bunched up, with Williams still looking the next best and looking to close the gap to Mercedes. However Ferrari have been as revitalised by Vettel’s arrival as his arrival at Ferrari has done for him, and even Kimi sounds content with a hint of excitement at his 2015 prospects. Red Bull will be amongst that group but haven’t had the best running in pre season, but the same story from last year didn’t stop them being relatively compeditive in 2014. The dark horse of the pack could be Lotus whose change to Mercedes engines looks to have provided as big a step forward as Williams received last year. This will be a bonus for all 1st lap crash fans, as a Grosjean and Maldonaldo further up the grid means extra trouble is awaiting the first lap and corner in 2015.
After that the picture is less clear. McLaren Honda’s off season seemed to produce as many problems as laps completed, and the strange crash which has now kept Alonso from coming to Melbourne adds to the mystery of what the Honda-McLaren partnership will bring. Honda themselves are an enigma with their participation and disappearance from F1 throughout history. They probably still regret paying for and selling for a pound the 2009 F1 championship winner.
Then there’s Sauber whose winter pace is in equal proportion to their lack of sponsors or a decent paint job. An ongoing court case from van der Garde over his omission from the team’s 2015 line up provides off field distraction right up to the weekend.
There’s also Force India who have copied the McLaren livery and quality running in testing by being the last of the established teams to release their car on the second day of the last test. Another mystery to solve in 2015 will be whether they make it to the end of the season, will they be faster than McLaren, and why doesn’t Hulkenburg get a better drive.
Another mystery is the Red Bull nursery team Toro Rosso. The term nursery is closer to the truth this year for than before with their two drivers aged just 17 and 20 this season. Whether youthful exuberance will end in broken cars and tears, or stars of the future will be worth watching in 2015.
Finally there’s Manor, who used to be Marussia, who used to Virgin. They have battled hard to get to the Australian GP, and with just the one driver nominated thus far looked primed to bring up the rear of the grid in style with their modified machine for 2015.
Here’s our rundown of the 2015 season ahead, we’ll keep it brief and heart foundation light hearted as we’re even bored of our stuff at this stage. We put them in order of where we think they’ll be in the pecking order.
MERCEDES
Testing looked ominous for the rest of the field, the first qualifying has confirmed the worst for the other teams, and fans hoping for something other than a silver car in front this year.
They were playing with the other cars throughout the first sessions of the year, out qualifying the rest on harder tyres and breaking their hearts on softs.
Like last year, it will be a battle in two out the front, and like last year it looks like Lewis Hamilton has the edge. An edge he maintained in the first session leaving Rosberg to ponder what German tactics he can come up with to annoy his British teammate. We can be assured with someone like Niki Lauda in charge that they will continue to be allowed to race. So although the title race looks over for everyone else, there is still the intra team battle which got quite heated last year, and who doesn’t want to see hate.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – Lewis Hamilton
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 16
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – MERCEDES are the BAYERN MUNICH of F1 – in a class of their own and relegating anyone else involved to minor placings.
WILLIAMS-MERCEDES
Williams has a lot of fans and well wishers, and most would have been happy with their return to the front in 2014 after some very ordinary years past. There’s just something about Williams that makes F1 fans happy at the thought of them returning to the front of the pack.
Things look the same for this year also, and whilst the gap to the front looks marginally closer, the chasing pack have significantly gained momentum, and that title for the Garfunkel of F1 is really up for grabs this year.
Bottas looks a real prospect, and will surely break his duck this year with a little luck. Massa will have to avoid being the trouble magnet he was at times last year, and another year of being outpaced by his younger rival may mean a trip further back down the grid or Brazilian stock cars. It looks like Bottas on paper.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – Valteri Bottas
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 1
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – WILLIAMS are the SOUTH SYDNEY of F1 – One of the Dominant teams of yore, still popular and returning to the front after years of mediocrity, now the drought breaking title awaits.
RED BULL-RENAULT
After years of niggle between Vettel and Webber, which also brought total domination, Red Bull had to settle for third best last year with wins only for new boy and the happiest man in F1 Dan Ricciardo. It was bad enough for Sebastian Vettel who decided he exchange his Red Bull for just plain red at Ferrari.
The Achilles heal last year was the Renault engine, and the problem looks to have worked it’s way all the way up the leg so far in 2015. Testing proved some issues, and practice hasn’t been any better, with Ricciardo already disposing of one of the designated 5 engines for the season and totally missing P2.
The side interest will be in Danii Kyvat for his promotion from junior team Toro Rosso for 2015. He did the standard signed contract for 2015-achieve very little for the rest of the season at the end of 2014, and that kind of performance won’t be tolerated in the senior team as it could be ignored further back down the grid.
Will they win a race, on pace it doesn’t look likely, but Ricciardo pulled out some above the top shelf racing last year to win races others probably wouldn’t.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – Dan Ricciardo
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 1
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – RED BULL is the RED BULL of F1. Hard to compare something that is unlike another. There’s probably a knife snorting wall climbing whilst on fire extreme challenge they’re looking to sponsor.
FERRARI
The big transfer for 2015 was Vettel heading to Ferrari this year leaving Red Bull behind, and behind compared to Ferrari looks where Red Bull might be this year. He certainly got the better deal out the musical chairs than Alonso and his move to McLaren/Karts from 1995.
Alonso sure looks to have the timing of an innocent bystander as the Ferrari looks much better this year confirming the upturn in testing, whereas his McLaren looks awful in the hands of others.
With Kimi making positive noises about the new car, if you are able to tell Kimi being positive or providing anything in press statements, it does look like Ferrari are the real deal in 2015.
The Melbourne sessions so far put Ferrari right up with Williams, and with their world champion drivers in the team they should and probably will be next best in F1 in 2015. Hopefully that mean more Kimi pressers, which are entertaining because he’s different.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – Seb Vettel
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 2
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – FERRARI is the TIGER WOODS of F1. A dominant force a long while, still trading on their past achievements and “aura”. LOTUS-MERCEDES
Lotus were very ordinary at times in 2014, and testing and the first Australian GP sessions have proved much improvement this season. Whether this means a challenge to the team above remains to be seen.
The drivers look the weak link as their habit of getting into incidents and hot headedness might start to wear thin if the season moves along the same lines as last year. Although, given their inability to pay Kimi, few other drivers would bother with them.
With more name changes than Prince (or whatever he’s called these days) with be hoping the dumping of the Renault engine after which the team was actually called at some stage for a Mercedes will catapult them up the grid like Williams. Or at least further away from the back of the gird and out of Q3.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – Too close to call – Look for value in betting for first retirement throughout the year.
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 0
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – LOTUS is the PRINCE of F1 – plenty of name changes and went into obscurity last year.
TORO ROSSO-RENAULT
The junior Red Bull team decided to be very junior this year with not only two debutants, but two drivers whose combined age may not match Jenson Button.
In Sainz and Verstappen they have young’uns with the best possible pedigree with Carlos being the son of former Rally Ace with the same name and Max’s dad being the wild Jos Verstappen.
Whether the genes will be enough at their age, the car has looked OK in Testing and 2014 Aust GP meaning that any major improvements from last year could see the senior team with its pants around it’s feet again.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – Max Verstappen – if he’s in at his age he must have something.
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 0
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – TORO ROSSO are the Lochie Daddo of F1 – the little brother which only has a career because of it’s older kin.
FORCE INDIA-MERCEDES
Was the last car launched in the last test, and it appears to be hurting them already with their names towards the end of the timesheets so far.
They do have an advantage over the arse end of the grid with the drivers who being quality not just a big fat sponsorship to their team.
The behind the scenes worries a bit though, with their owner Vijay Mallya always seeming to be in court for something or other financial related. Will they make the year, probably, but what kind of performance will the get throughout the year as they catch up. Surely the Hulk will land a top level drive befitting of his talents.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – Nico Hulkenburg – will hopefully finally get that top seat his talent deserves, or will find out why the top teams don’t rate him.
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 0
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – FORCE INDIA are the Pyramid scheme of F1. A good idea on paper, but only a matter of time before collapse.
SAUBER-FERRARI
Started the year off with some impressive testing times, giving long term sceptics plenty of fodder of low fuel sponsor runs.
No one however could have predicted the mess in the team to start the season off, with three paid up drivers certainly not fitting two. Guido van der Garde sued Sauber for the drive in 2015 he was promised in a Victorian court. This was news to Sauber and their drivers Felipe Naser and Marcus Ericsson and the lost the appeal.
The sight of van der Garde hanging around pits of Friday whilst Sauber did not fire up the other two cars looked pretty bad for a sport which seems to thrive on tension and politics.
Thankfully van der Garde dropped his action over the Australian GP to allow the team to run itself, not with assistance from Victorian Law. Whether that means no further dramas is debatable and in our opinion unlikely. VDG better watch what he whistles more, his actions might break the Sauber bank and leave him with no drive anyway.
On the track Sauber will be looking for the last of the remaining Top 10 places to begin with, and based on running this year so far, is not too ridiculous a goal to set.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – Felipe Nasr – hard to judge – lucky guess here I suppose.
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 0
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – SAUBER are the dodgy relative at a family function of F1. A brief introduction and wearing awful colours like the brown of brown of your relative . they will be interesting for the first 2 minuted and virtually invisible just a few rounds later.
MCLAREN
The signing of Fernando Alonso and new engine with oodles of history should have been a good omen for a quality 2015. It hasn’t been, in testing nor the race in 2015. Even their star man Alonso can see that 2015 is a write off already and is taking his time to return after a nasty crash in testing.
When the car is running, and that’s not all that often, it is relatively slow and the demise of Caterham and Marussia has left team like McLaren this year with the real prospect of bring up the rears for everyone at Sunsuper. The Qualifying session confirmed that car has some real issues and will likely bring up the rear this year if Manor don’t turn up to some races.
With Alonso out until apparently the next race after Melbourne, some nice humble pie was on offer when they drafted in Kevin Magnussen for Alonso. One can see if things don’t get better that Kevin Magnussen will get a seat anyway next year and Button will probably walk.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – ALONSO when he returns.
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 0
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – MCLAREN are the IKEA FURNITURE WITHOUT AN INSTRUCTION – sure you might get there eventually but not without suffering and a lot of wasted time.
MANOR RACING
The off season was the saga of whether this team will make the gird and whether they’d be compeditive.
The answer to the first question is yes, the second one looks to be no, but how would you know if they have never run.
Whilst they should be applauded for sticking to it and making it against the odds, the point seems to be missing if they can’t afford to do any running.
WINNER OF BATTLE OF THE DRIVERS – Whoever gets a car.
WINS FOR THE YEAR – 0
GURGLER’S CR@P COMPARISON – MANOR RACING are the Birdman Rally contraption of F1 – sure it looks good and was a big effort, but when you fall off into the water straight after leaving the pier, it does seems a sad waste of time. Always happy to be proven wrong.
It’s getting late, and to be honest no one reads this part of the website anyway. If they did you would have seen another decent collect through our quality Europa League. Don’t believe us? Check it out here.
Much in the same mould, here are our quickfire tips for this weekend’s action. Not that there’s nothing to talk about in European Footbnall, but the main story of Real Madrid whining about their team despite all its riches and quality and progression into the next stage of the Champions League is boring.
Just as the main talking point of Italy is the drama of Parma and whether they can make the season or pay it’s staff or one of the nice men in Football Gianfranco Zola being sacked and replaced by the main he replaced is too depressing to talk about.
Or the French will rave about their PSG side beating Chelsea with 10 men and no Zlatan. It is quite the achievement and talking point to be fair, but we don’t want to waste anymore of your time and get down to business.
The Bayern Munich Bundesliga continues as per schedule so it can also be glossed over.
Our tips are below as well as a list of other games you can follow or ignore. Just like our selections. But beware 2 multis in three weeks equals as good a form as we get.
Another big weekend of English Football looms, but a shadow has been cast after the midweek Champions League fixtures as the only side who looked likely to make the next stage – Chelsea -were knocked out by a 10 man PSG side minus their best player, the highly rated by himself Zlatan.
All the clams that the EPL is the biggest league in the world are hard to argue against, but the claims that it is the best quality are much less to argue for given that it looks likely that none of the three sides that made the knockout round will go any further.
It is very competitive however, except for possibly the run for the title which looks like a Chelsea benefit currently, however their game against PSG looked the same so who knows. The battle for the 3rd and 4th and the spots for next year’s Champions League looks the best value for the neutral in the EPL this year. With a number of teams in the race, there’s plenty of disappointment awaiting at least one of the big teams in the UK.
Manchester United will enjoy their toughest period to stay in the top 4 over the next few weeks, this weekend it starts with Tottenham, who don’t look to have suffered too much from losing the League Cup final. Liverpool and Arsenal are in good form and have the momentum, something the only other realistic chance Southampton are starting to lose.
At the arse end of the table it’s looking likely who will be going down a division next season, but it will only take a run of three win a row to pull themselves out of the bottom three, so all games toward the bottom hold big significance.
Talking of closeness of tables, and we weren’t, the second division Cha,pionship is the closest league in the UK and more than likely anywhere in the world with the top 4 all on the same points, and fifth just another point behind. Even Ipswich Town who are reverting to mid field mediocre form by losing 3 of their last 5 are only 5 points behind in 7th. Circling the pack are Notts Forest and Wolves, the only other realistic chances of playoff appearances.
At the other end it is a different story with the bottom three not far off being cut adrift and needing to prepare for the third tier in League One.
A side who won’t be in League One next year is Bristol City who are running away with this year’s crown and the prize of re-joining their Championship buddies next year. 13 points isn’t a big chance of being caught, but the opponents won’t be conceding defeat just yet.
The bottom of this division will sort out their true order this weekend as all four teams play each other. Wins are needed to close the gap on safety and the drop down.
Not to forget League Two, the last and fourth but not least division. Burton is on top just ahead of the best home team Shrewsbury and the best away team Wycombe. Happily for the fourth division four teams go up including three automatically, and the current top 3 will need some bad luck and/or plenty o losses to let their chance go this time around.
The best, most star filled football competition deserves the best written comment and tips.
Unfortunately, you’ve lobbed here so will have to settle for somewhere between 20 and 50th best.
At least if anyone reads this. At least I can’t offend anyone with these tips not being up to scratch along the lines of tree falling in a forest with no one …..
But at least our losing tips won’t be the biggest crises in European Football this week, with Real Madrid heading for revolt and/or mutiny if the losses continue. The main cause is selfishness between the multi, mutli million dollar strikers apparently. Worth almost as much as the three lower divisions of UK Football it is a little hard to feel too sorry for a team which cherry picks the best from each league.
But they look likely to progress along with their German equivalent Bayern Munich, another team that stockpiles the country’s best players. Chelsea v PSG is harder to tip, but the Happy One will have the requisite amount of tricks up his sleeve to see off the Parisians. Basel have been tipped purely for greedy reasons, and a reasonable competitive first leg.
The Europa League is in the first legs of their next knockout round, playing catch up to the Champions League.
With just a handful of games left in the first stage, some of the finals position have been guaranteed to the sides going well with 100% records at this stage like India and New Zealand. Other minnows like Zimbabwe, Scotland and England have already been ruled out of any knockout action. The others sides including Australia are almost assured of finals action but are jostling for a better seeding in the knockout stage.
Here’s the current standings.
POOL A
Mat
Won
Lost
Tied
N/R
Pts
Net RR
New Zealand
5
5
0
0
0
10
3.09
Australia
5
3
1
0
1
7
1.597
Bangladesh
5
3
1
0
1
7
0.211
Sri Lanka
5
3
2
0
0
6
-0.151
England
5
1
4
0
0
2
-1.001
Afghanistan
5
1
4
0
0
2
-1.881
Scotland
4
0
4
0
0
0
-1.423
Teams
Mat
Won
Lost
Tied
N/R
Pts
Net RR
India
5
5
0
0
0
10
2.157
South Africa
5
3
2
0
0
6
1.462
Pakistan
5
3
2
0
0
6
-0.194
Ireland
5
3
2
0
0
6
-1.014
West Indies
5
2
3
0
0
4
-0.511
Zimbabwe
5
1
4
0
0
2
-0.595
United Arab Emirates
4
0
4
0
0
0
-1.691
Here’s our brief rundown of what has happened lately for our many reader.
INDIA 2/260 (36.5) def IRELAND 259 (49)
STAR MAN: DHAWAN 100 (85) – A fine century made light work of the Irish total of 259 and continue the 100% record of the Indians.
Despite an opening stand of 89, the Irishmen could only muster 259 against the Indians which never looked quite enough against their batting line up. Far from disgraceful though for one of the so called minnows of this World Cup. Another reason to allow the expanded format next time around.
India cruised on the back of Shikhar Dhawan’s 100, and the result was never in doubt, just like the top of the group that India have earned from their solid pool form thus far. A far cry from the tired looking team that were hanging around Australia just over a month ago.
BANGLADESH 7/275 (50) def ENGLAND 260 (48.3)
STAR MAN: MOHAMMED MAHMUDDULLAH 103 (138) – Entered the fray at 2/8 and left with Bangladesh in good shape at 5/240.
What is it with England and World Cup disappointment. Like the Football version just under a year ago, expectation weren’t that high, like the Football version the manner of this missed finals opportunity even surprised fans and experts alike.
Not that losing to Bangladesh is the worst crime in the world, the up and coming cricket nation have played well at this World Cup, it is the meek surrendering that has happened to the side which has got their critics in a spin. Pardon the pun.
Despite moving an Ashes series to concentrate for 6 months on the World Cup, England have never looked likely to make the finals since losses to Australia and New Zealand condemned them to scraps for the first stage.
Anyone who thought it was a good idea to leave an Irishman in charge of anything English, or leaving out Kevin Pietersen and Ben Stokes (who both proved their worth on Aussie soil in the Big Bash, should be and probably will be moved on to greener pastures. if they were a second division manager they would have been on gardening leave 2 matches ago.
Credit to Bangladesh though who battled hard, even when England looked like getting home with Jos Butler still at the crease. For England a must win pride match against Scotland awaits, where they will be looking for an alternative airport if they come home without the win.
AUSTRALIA 9/376 (50) def SRI LANKA 312 (46.2)
STAR MAN: GLENN MAXWELL – Was surprised when the 102 he scored in this match was his first century, and off only 53 balls it was impressive. The reverse sweeps are unbeatable. Will he now kick on like his kindred spirit from the past Andrew Symonds did after his breakthrough World Cup century. Australian fans will be hoping so.
A great win against a quality side at this stage of the tournament on the back of Maxwell magic. Watson too threatened to achieve and nab a rare 100, but fell short again, with a score good enough to keep his place in the side, but not enough for people to stop whining about him being in the side. Smith and Clarke looked comfortable at the crease, and less so in each other’s company, kind of like in laws at a family function.
Special mention to Kumar Sangakarra for a third consecutive century, and another fine example of why he is one of the best one day batsmen of all time for any nation.
Mitchell Johnson looked like cannon fodder again, meaning that his best work is still ahead, and Mitchell Starc continued his fine bowling form.
NEW ZEALAND 4/188 (36.1) def AFGHANISTAN 186 (47.4)
STAR MAN: DAN VETTORI 4/18 (10) – Another fine example from one of the best One Day bowlers of all time.
FACT – Afghanistan have scored more runs against New Zealand in this World Cup than Australia and England. A sad indictment on the big boys, but a hearty non-condescending pat on the back to a nation who are at their first World Cup.
It was never enough though, especially when someone as in as good a form as Brendon McCallum opens the batting, and does it in his cavalier style. His 42 off 19 ensured NZ had the start they needed to cruise home.
IRELAND 8/331 (50) def ZIMBABWE 326 (49.3)
STAR MAN: ED JOYCE 112 (103) – A great century was the lynchpin to a big Irish total, and it proved just enough.
The Aust-NZ game aside, this was the game of the World Cup so far. With both teams needed to win to stay alive the Irishmen held their nerve to win by 5 runs.
The 331 looked enough, but such is Zimbabwe’s progress it looked achievable throughout the innings, and some late over big hitting almost got them over the line. Last man out Mupawira looked like he could do it all himself, and tried as he skied the ball to long on as he looked for that 6 that would win them the game.
Some controversy around Brendan Taylor’s dismissal after a catch on the boundary. However with the catch cleanly taken and the fuzziest of TV footage showing a possible glance of the sponsored padding it was a point of contention after the game. Justice prevailed though as Ireland held on.
EVEN MORE BRIEFLY:
PAKISTAN 222 (46.4) def SOUTH AFRICA 202 (33.3) D/L
Pakistan have some rain and Duckworth and Lewis to thank for an unlikely victory against South Africa who have now lost against two of the big teams in their pool. One wonders what odds Pakistan got on themselves to paly well and win.
INDIA 6/185 (39.1) def WEST INDIES 182 (44.2)
What could have been a more embarrassing loss for the Windies was saved by their best player this tournament Jason Holder who took his team from 7/85 to a total that could be defended. Not that India did it that comfortably, but the best finisher in one day cricket MS Dhoni was a reassuring comfort for the Indians in victory.
BANGLADESH 4/322 (48.1) def SCOTLAND 8/318 (50)
A great effort from Scotland to score 300+ wasn’t enough as the Bangladesh team showed their maturity to chase home the big score. A fine tournament from Scotland, who like most of the teams have yet to be disgraced.
AUSTRALIA 6/417 (50) def AFGHANISTAN (37.3)
David Warner (178 from 133) just failed in his quest to score Australia’s first 200 in ODI, and some help from Steve Smith 95 (98) and the usual fireworks from Glenn Maxwell (88 from just 39 balls) gave Australia a total that Afghanistan would have needed two innings to overcome. Mitchell Johnson showed his usual prowess against the weaker sides to get a 4 pack of wickets.
