Test Cricket Smackdown – The Australia v England Ashes Obscure and Forgotten Player Battle
Welcome to another edition of the forgotten player smackdown, but this time we’ve got the Ashes bug in our system and have decided to do an Ashes themed one.
Check out some of our previous NRL Smackdowns.
Origin Obscurity
Fullbacks
Manliest Name in League
We’ve selected an eleven for each side, who have either been forgotten, or you totally forgot they played a test. All these players are good, you have to be to play test cricket, but these are the ones who slip quickly out of the spotlight. Almost unfairly.
After the way the first test went, this might be the only match the Aussies win.
AUSTRALIAN FORGOTTEN XI
Given the bowlers look like scoring as many runs as the batsmen, we’ve selected a bowling heavy XI.
The mos that matter open the batting and the only other recognised batsman Martin Love scored a 100 and never played again. Funky Miller had plenty to offer on and off the field. Shaun Young was selected as he was in England at the time and we had no players left. Casson and Cullen were in the long line of replacements in the post Warne/Macgill era.
MIKE VALETTA
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 8 | 11 | 207 | 39 | 18.81 |
GRAEME WOOD
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 59 | 112 | 3374 | 172 | 31.83 |
MARTIN LOVE
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 5 | 8 | 233 | 100* | 46.6 |
COLIN “FUNKY” MILLER
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 18 | 69 | 5-32 | 10-116 | 26.15 |
GRAHAM MANOU
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg | Catch |
| 1 | 2 | 21 | 13* | 21 | 3 |
TONY DODEMAIDE
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 10 | 34 | 6/58 | 7/98 | 28.02 |
SHAUN YOUNG
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 1 | 2 | 4 | 4* | 4 |
JO ANGEL
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 4 | 10 | 3/58 | 5/146 | 46.3 |
PETER MCINTYRE
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 2 | 5 | 3/103 | 3/107 | 38.8 |
BEAU CASSON
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 1 | 3 | 3/86 | 3/129 | 43 |
DAN CULLEN
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 1 | 1 | 1/25 | 1/54 | 54 |
ENGLAND FORGOTTEN XI
Plenty of names you know but forget.
A lot of these players kicked on post Test career in county cricket. Ronnie Irani is now on sports radio in the UK, Chris Lewis has served time for drugs smuggling, and Ryan Sidebottom was selected on name alone. Jack Russell was a must with memories of his floppy hat and mo. It also includes the King of Spain Ashley Giles.
JOHN CRAWLEY
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 37 | 61 | 1800 | 156* | 34.61 |
MARK RAMPRAKASH
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 52 | 92 | 2350 | 154 | 27.32 |
GRAEME HICK
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 65 | 114 | 3383 | 178 | 31.32 |
USMAN AFZAAL
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 3 | 6 | 83 | 54 | 16.6 |
ADAM HOLLIOAKE
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 4 | 6 | 65 | 45 | 10.83 |
RONNIE IRANI
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 3 | 3 | 1/22 | 1/33 | 37.33 |
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg |
| 3 | 5 | 86 | 41 | 17.2 |
JACK RUSSELL
| M | Inn | Runs | HS | Avg | Catch |
| 54 | 86 | 1897 | 128* | 27.1 | 153 |
RYAN SIDEBOTTOM
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 22 | 79 | 7/47 | 10/139 | 28.24 |
DEVON MALCOLM
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 40 | 128 | 9/57 | 10/137 | 37.09 |
CHRIS LEWIS
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 32 | 93 | 6/111 | 7/114 | 37.52 |
ASHLEY GILES
| M | W | BB I | BB M | AVG |
| 54 | 143 | 5/57 | 9/122 | 40.6 |
The Gurgler’s Wash Up – First Ashes Test
It was at about 11pm last night when the wickets fell quickly just after lunch when the realisation kicked in, if we were to win the first test the responsibility would rest with Shane Watson with the bat. Seeing no point in wasting any more sleep, the decision was made to concede defeat to England and save the sleep for the next Test at Lords. It’s not all Watson’s fault, he’s an easy target, but when so little is contributed for so long it is warranted to a degree.
But he’s not alone, and here’s some of our thoughts.
SHANE WATSON
Whilst it’s not all about Watson, it should start with him, and end with him as of the end of this test. It’s not that his numbers were all that bad, but that is what they always are, mediocre and just enough to stay in the team. Like a Sunderland or Aston Villa in the EPL.
If we are to win from 1-0 down we need to take some chances, with team selection that is, need to take a few less at the batting crease. Mitchell Marsh may be less consistent than Watson, but at this stage it is exactly what Australia need. A pair of 20-50’s and tight wicketless bowling is consistency we can do without from now to win this series.
AUSTRALIAN BATSMEN
How many times does Australia throw wickets away in England. Whilst the English bowling was difficult to master at times, once we did manage to survive the tough period we threw wickets away to part time spinners.
Yes the 400+ Australia was chasing would have been an extraordinary performance, but we had 180 overs and 2 days in which to complete this. Only a pittance of less than 2.5 runs an over. Seems when we need to grind out a batting performance we have no idea.
BRAD HADDIN
Haddin has been dragged down with Watson for next to be dropped, and he wasn’t at his best all test, but he has plenty of credit left over from our last Ashes series in Australia. It is forgotten amongst the Mitchell Johnson led 5-0 bravado that Haddin came to our rescue with the bat numerous times. As for the dropped catch of Joe Root on zero before he posted a big hundred, it happens, and since Australia has never been concerned with selecting the wicket keeper with the best wicket keeping ability, it should be expected from time to time.
ENGLISH BOWLERS
The bowling from the old hands of Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad was sublime and our batsmen will be in for some more fun throughout the series if they get pitches that help them even more. How they didn’t dismiss David Warner is a mystery, and an even bigger shame he didn’t kick on.
JOE ROOT
There’s always one English batsman who torments the Australians on home soil, and it looks like it is Joe Root this time around. The second innings wickets were added salt.
Save our Sizzler – Who’s fault and how to save an Aussie Icon
The sad news has been announced that an Aussie Food Icon – Sizzler (once famed for Steak, Seafood and Salad) is in big financial trouble and likely to close down restaurants. More proper reporting on it this can be found here.
It will be a sad day for The Gurgler if they do in fact close down, many a fond memory can be pictured from Sizzler adventures of the past. Gargantuan Ice Cream challenges, trying to pocket as many Jubes from the dessert bar to eat on the way home, and sharing one jug of water between five because someone is too much of a tightarse to play for soft drinks. And that cheese toast.
And think of the victims, the staff, the families, the many uni students who need somewhere to kill five hours and to stock up their share houses with steak knives, and won’t somebody think of the children.
So, who’s to blame? We have a list of potential causes.
THE TARO OF THE PROBLEM
JAMIE OLIVER
His campaign on healthy eating has started to take affect, and people are now avoiding places that offer all you can eat. The world is worse for it.
COMMERCIAL NEWS
People don’t want to be filmed on the news from the neck down for some obesity story or something on the ills of soft drinks, so now they search for healthier activities to avoid being shown at 6pm. And the fact that the company is Queensland owned means 60 Minutes probably hate it too, and have something “balanced” planned. Luckily for most of us 60 minutes became irrelevant some years ago and we won’t see it anyway.
FOOD HIPSTERS
The people that have turned food in some kind of exclusive art. No longer is a mere green salad enough, it has to have four kind of rocket, kale, coconut infused apple cider vinegar, and quince paste jus drizzled over the top of kaffir lime leaves. The multitude of food photos on social media have turned food into a bragging sport. Sizzler try but can’t compete.
CAMPBELL NEWMAN
The downturn coincides with the Newmanator’s tenure as premier. Is it a coincidence?
GLOBAL WARMING/CLIMATE CHANGE/WHAT CLIMATE CHANGE?
The burden on the environment has caused prices for all food to increase. Sizzler in their efforts to please everyone have to buy bits of everything and are being hurt by their generous offerings.
THE COLONEL
KFC has white-anted it’s own stablemate with promises of Popcorn Chicken, Tacos, and Potato and Gravy.
SO HOW DO WE FIX IT?
Let’s be honest, you not going to Sizzler for a steak, they are better and much cheaper and most other places including RSLs and League Clubs. And seafood, well most of it is deep fried, and the local F & C has got that grease requirement sorted too. No, Sizzler has to throw caution to the wind, and two fingers to Jamie Oliver and embrace the all you can eat culture.
So The Gurgler has a plan to save Sizzler. It’s all you can eat goodness.
THE GRAND SMORG.
The Grand Smorg is a title bestowed upon anyone who can fulfil the mountainous requirements of eating as big an amount as you possibly can. Like all good eating challenges, it comes with a prize, but more of that later.
How do you obtain a Grand Smorg? Well you require 10 Smorg points to be handed the Grand Smorg title. These can be achieved for various plates and bowls throughout your stay with Sizzler.
Here’s the list of Smorg Points….
3 Smorg Points – MAIN MEAL (Not Salad Bar)
2 Smorg Points – BURGER MEAL (Not Salad Bar)
2 Smorg Points – Salad Bar Plate*
0.5 Smorg Points – Soup Bowl **
0.5 Smorg Points – Dessert Bowl **
0.2 Smorg Points – 1 x Cheese Toast
-0.5 Smorg Points – for any more than one soft drink. Drinking is cheating.
-3.0 Smorg Points – for a number 2 toilet break.
* Salad Bar Plate has to be full and is at the discretion of people at your table. Must receive a majority yes vote of 75%
** Must be at least half full and contain Croutons/Sprinkles where appropriate.
And there must be prize, and the lamer the better. It also goes without saying that a photo of said person is installed on the proudest of walls. We have a proposed T-Shirt reward below.
So there you have it. Are you listening Collins Foods? No need to shut them down, just ramp them up with a Grand Smorg. Fun for all the family.
Australian Open for Tennis Jerks – The Final Rounds
So you got a taste of the Australian Open for Tennis Jerks, now it’s time for the business end of the game, an time to find out who is the biggest jerk in Australian tennis.
Given the recent behaviour it’s going to be a good tussle.
ROUND 2
BERNARD TOMIC v SANDON STOLLE
It was a bit rough on Sandon Stolle making it this far, he’s no jerk. His opponent sure is, anyone who is ranked outside the top 300 and refuses to hit with a Wimbledon champ because it was allegedly beneath him is on their way to jerkdom.
WINNER – TOMIC
DAMIR DOKIC v MARK PHILIPPOUSSIS
OK, so Damir wasn’t an Australian player, but he sure was a top notch Aussie Tennis jerk. The Scud, unlikeable as he was, wasn’t really a jerk. And making a Grand Slam final is some achievement. His only real crime was breaking Delta Goodrem’s heart’s, and given how much of a jerk she’s turned out to be, maybe praise should be given.
WINNER – DOKIC
NICK KYGRIOS v THANASIS KOKKINAKIS
Battle of the next generation of Jerk, and after Wimbledon with antics galore, Nick is more polished at being a jerk at this stage of his career. Given the examples set, Thanasis might not be too far away from prime.
WINNER – KYGRIOS
PAT CASH v LLEYTON HEWITT
One thing in common, at least these players can back up their antics with achievement, and at Wimbledon no less. But on the jerk playing field Pat Cash has nothing over Lleyton’s best. The questioning of a linesman and insinuating that he favoured another player along racial lines means easy passage to the next round.
WINNER – LLEYTON HEWITT
SEMI FINALS
BERNARD TOMIC v DAMIR DOKIC
Neither gentleman are welcome anyway, Damir especially has been excluded from many a venue. But Bernard playing up on the Gold Coast as a Toolie is quintessential Jerk behaviour. Only a jerk is a Toolie during Gold Coast Schoolies. Plus add in all the fines and behaviour and run ins with Police over his driving his flashy car. Result is in no doubt here.
WINNER – BERNARD TOMIC
NICK KYGRIOS v LLEYTON HEWITT
Hard one this, possibly a lot of the modern day jerk behaviour all comes from Lleyton’s antics from the past, but such was the performance of Kygrios of late, and attitude of entitlement after a handful of great, promising results that he just scrapes past Lleyton. That and the last match at Wimbledon typified the relative attitudes towards their sport. Lleyton for all his crimes never gave up, or appeared to give up.
WINNER – NICK KYGRIOS
FINAL
BERNARD TOMIC V NICK KYGRIOS
The Dream Final on paper and ranking to see who Australia’s biggest Tennis jerk is. But surely the result is in no doubt. The spray delivered by Tomic after another promising campaign ended up in disappointment, blaming everyone from Tennis Australia to Pat Rafter, Global Warming, and the Greek Financial crisis for his problems. Given his attitude to owning a very expensive car, that fact that he thinks he should received any help from anyone shows above the top shelf jerk qualities. Making him as likeable as a punch to the face.
Kygrios has tried his hardest recently, and going out in sympathy with Tomic for the upcoming Davis Cup tie shows a real dedication to challenge Tomic for the top spot at next year;s open.
WINNER
AUSTRALIAN OPEN OF TENNIS JERKS
BERNARD TOMIC
Nothing But League preview R18 of the Queensland Cup.
We’re up to Round 18 of the Intrust Super Cup, and after all the excitement of last week’s Redcliffe v PNG Hunters feature game, it’s hard to think that could be topped.
This week’s featured game Easts Tigers v Ipswich Jets should go close though.
There’s another five games as well, but for PNG Hunters we have nothing for you this weekend. They have a bye.
All of these has been summed up by our friends at Nothing But League – click on the Round 18 preview here.
The Gurgler selects their Queensland Cup multi below…
TOWNSVILLE w -25.5 start v Norths
NORTHERN PRIDE to win v Souths Logan
EASTS w +5.5 start v Ipswich
SUNSHINE COAST to win v Tweed Heads
REDCLIFFE to win v Burleigh
WYNNNUM MANLY w -25.5 start v Central
$1 Multi pays $45
The Australian Open for Tennis Jerks – ROUND 1
Australian Tennis has never been in better shape, for jerks. A new wave is sweeping through Australian tennis with a welcome high tide of churlishness, petulance and boorish behaviour.
But is the current crop of players any worse than their predecessors. Let’s not forget some of Lleyton Hewitt’s behaviour. And was Pat Cash any better? Can anyone remember Kerry Ann Guse or Jason Stoltenberg?
We’ve assembled a group of 16 Australian Tennis players, not all of them are bad or jerks but we need a tournament after all.
It’s time to find out who the biggest jerk in Australian Tennis is. Round 1 tonight – join us later for the next rounds….
ROUND 1
BERNARD TOMIC v WENDY TURNBULL
The Bad Boy of Australian Tennis who lives in Monaco vs the All Australian girl who knows Sandgate, Petrie and Coops.
WINNER – TOMIC in straight sets to love.
SANDON STOLLE v ROBERT SMEETS
Both of these gents have ties to other nations. Nothing wrong with Stolle, but he does have an American accent and now resides there. Robert Smeets however was born in Holland but chooses to live in Australia. In Ipswich, where the smeets have no fame.
WINNER – STOLLE – in a Fast 4 one setter.
THE WOODIES v DAMIR DOKIC
The all round nice guys of tennis, against a man who caused nothing but trouble during his years of doting tennis dad.
WINNER – DOKIC by forefeit
PAT RAFTER v MARK PHILIPPOUSSIS
Pat Rafter who failed to get fat and bitter after retirement. Up against anyone who was involved with the Age of Love reality TV show. Surely only a potential winning jerk would apply.
WINNER – POO.
NICK KYRIGOS v RICHARD FROMBERG
A man who sounds like a European cheese vs a man who abuses tennis officials. Easy win here.
WINNER – KYRGIOS in straight sets.
SCOTT DRAPER v THANASIS KOKKINAKIS
Draper was a pro tennis player and golfer – a good chance to be a jerk. But on potential we plump for the new boy who with the example set by his current peers can only be a year away from top class jerk vintage.
WINNER – KOKKINAKIS
PAT CASH v NICOLE PRATT
A hard one this, but like a man who wears a scarf in Brisbane based on the chequered head band, Pat Cash gets through this.
WINNER – CASH
WAYNE ARTHURS v LLEYTON HEWITT
A man of the people, against a man of the people, who didn’t seem to like other people much at times. Calling an official a spastic is guaranteed passage to Round 2.
WINNER – HEWITT
JOIN US LATER FOR ROUND 2 AND BEYOND…….
ADD A COMMENT OR ADD YOUR FAVOURITE TENNIS JERK #TennisJerk
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Nothing But League Review the Queensland Cup R17
6 more games over the weekend, and our friends at Nothing But League give you all you need, and maybe more with their weekly wrap.
Impress your friends around the water cooler with tales of Townsville Blackhawks, Ipswich Jets and PNG Hunters.
Catch up on all the guff here – http://www.nothingbutleague.com/intrust-super-cup-wrap-up-round-17/
QRL Match Report – PNG Hunters v Redcliffe – from Nothing But League
The Gurgler had a real conundrum on the weekend – a lifelong Redcliffe Dolphins fan but a converted PNG Hunters groupie – and both of these teams met in the Intrust Super Cup’s TV Game on Sunday.
Thankfully we got the best result we could hope for – Redcliffe 28 PNG Hunters 28.
And after the rugby league we got at Dolphin Oval, no one could or did argue that a draw isn’t a proper result, or was the right result, or that it was a game of high quality rugby league.
In a weekend where the NRL take their eye off the ball with a paltry, origin affected four games, the Intrust Super Cup served up the game of the weekend, and showed the difference between the two leagues is narrowing.
For the full report, visit our friends at Nothing But League here http://www.nothingbutleague.com/hunters-and-phins-play-out-entertaining-draw/ and / or catch the replay on Foxtel on Thursday at 10:30pm.
Gurgler’s Top 10 Sporting Commentaries of all time
Having recently read an article from a UK website on the 10 greatest pieces of commentary, we thought to ourselves here at the Gurgler that it was right up our alley, lane and crescent.
Not that you asked for it, and too bad if you didn’t, here is our Top 10 pieces of commentary.
Things to note from our list, is that is may not be the best piece of commentary or the funniest, but they are great sporting moments where the addition of the commentary added to the moment, and have stuck in our minds even now so many years later.
Some are quite obscure pieces of commentary, but somehow they have stuck, and have been treasured by someone who if they admit it are a frustrated sports commentator themselves.
Warren Smith – South Sydney v Sydney Roosters, 2012
Placed at number 1 because he is the number sports caller in Australia of any sport, and this was one of his finest.
Alan Thomas – QLD v NSW 1988
Some still laugh at the fact that a race caller called the biggest game in League, but this was one of the legendary moments of State of Origin, and the phrase “He had the ball said Wally” had remained with me since.
Murray Walker / James Hunt – Monaco GP 1982
One of the most exciting endings of all time, but justice is done here by the BBC duo, showing why they are the best combo of all time in any sport. Love after the massive drama and confusion that Murray claims Patrese winning without doubt with assurance. Or James Hunt waiting around for a winner.
Murray Walker / James Hunt – Monaco 1989
A great example of the differences between Hunt and Walker. Murray ever the optimist and diplomat, James Hunt with his venomous honesty, Murray with his professionalism to continue without blip.
Ray Warren & co. – QLD v NSW 1994
A great moment in Origin (for one side maybe) with a great call, and a great line. Back when Rabs’ and Channel 9’s loathing of anything Queensland was less obvious.
Craig Foster – Australia v Uruguay 2005
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5QaseS_wMU
So many failed World Cup campaigns, many of which Craig Foster was part of, and in this legendary moment of Australian sport, Craig Foster summed up the public’s joy and relief in equal measure with a simple big yeah.
Richie Benaud – Various
A compliation as it was hard to pick one, as he was never one for an over the top moment, just his dry humour and subtlety which is so sorely missed every summer with the current crop of awful, awful, self infatuated rubbish.
Kerry O’Keeffe & Harsha Bogle – Aust v India 2012
A long one, and audio only with pictures, but this is one I remember fondly as the ABC Grandstand turned a boring run an over test session into a stand up comedy act. Very few were interested in the cricket at this stage. But it also showcases some of the best ABC Grandstand has to offer, like KOK, an international guest, and a bit of humour that’s not all about them.
Murray Walker – Japanese GP 1989
One of the most famous F1 bits of all time was set to Murray’s call, and used in the Senna doco no less. Not sure that he would have used “this is fantastic” if scripting, but what a piece of pure Murray gold.
Murray Walker – Adelaide 1986
Once again Murray sums up what most would have been feeling. Complete shock that a seemingly comfortable championship was ripped away in the most dramatic of fashions.