Angrier than a room full of Fox League writers and NRL 360 hosts, slower than a Bunker decision, more trouble than a busload of NRL players on a trip to Bali, and less efficient than DOGE would approve of, it’s time for the weekly Rugby League rant of The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey, who provides his NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Round 1 Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Round 1 Proper Weekly Rant
What a blast Las Vegas was, it had just about everything, Channel Nein ignoring the Warriors and the Raiders at the same time, Penrith throwing down another marker for the season ahead, big scoring games, and the guy who blew the Raiders horn then went all rugby league by getting thrown out of the ground for bad behaviour just hours after being involved in the special privilege. Rugby League working its magic so quickly. And you’d like to think with all the male bravado of the current Trump America, that the NRL putting on a show is perfectly timed.
And what about the Jillaroos? Putting on a score against the English (90-4) that might be at the lower end of competitive in a T20 cricket. It may even be competitive in European Cricket, the most glorious sporting competition in the world with all the Maximos. Sorry NRL, F1, and the Parallel Bars at the Olympics. Given the huge scoreline one wonders what Marty Sheargold would say about it. I’m not sure even 90 points scored by the Jillaroos would make it complimentary. Unless he’s bagging the English, which could possibly get him into 90% less trouble. Then again, in this day and age of speaking your mind perhaps Marty will start a podcast and become Australia’s Joe Rogan. I’d probably listen to it as much as his Triple M show. Which is zero. Not because I don’t like Marty or Triple M. Well I don’t breakfast radio, the second lowest rung of entertainment behind MAFS.
But until we hear about the podcast we’ll just have to wonder to ourselves. Or myself. Not sure why I went third person for a while.
One day I’ll get to the Las Vegas round, where I’ll look for the biggest, worst Elvis impersonator I can find, but for now I’m more Rooty Hill RSL than Las Vegas anyway, so am looking forward to the delights of Round One.
Well that depends on how much Round 1 we get. Thanks to Alfred. No, not the King Alfred the Great, nor the Alfred guy from the Guess Who game, but the menacing cyclone threatening to pull a handbrake turn and give South East Queensland a touch up.
Whether you believe in climate change or not, if the new normal is cyclones crossing the coast in South East Queensland then I’ll sign whatever you have to stop it. I’ll even turn the Air Con off at night for the rest of the week. Just thankful most of the Sheffield Shield cricket is over.
Sadly the weather looks like it will can the big Wayne Bennett Appreciation Night at Suncorp Stadium where we will start to learn about whether having Wayne Bennett as your ex coach of a good side is worse than having Wayne Bennett as your current coach of a crap side. The record says teams struggle when Wayne leaves, maybe teams miss the laughs.
But Cyclone Alfred is no laughing matter as it tracks to possibly pass through Redcliffe, ironically. We have contacted the Moreton Bay Regional Council to enquire whether the Bee Gees statues are fastened securely. It would be a great disappointment if one of Redcliffe’s main attractions was to get blown away, and we presume a solid metal lifelike figure of any of the Gibb brothers would be a very dangerous missile blowing around. I guess the message of Staying Alive is more apt than ever.
Now I’ve got to get my tips in quickly to go and panic buy two months of water, seven weeks of toilet paper, which might come in handy for the 120 cans of Dynamite Hot Stagg Chilli I also plan to buy, plus a whole carton of UHT Milk I’ll never use, plus some Salt and Vinegar Pringles, to go with the emergency 12 cartons of Greg Norman, I mean Great Northern beer I needed badly. They will probably only have a bottle of Stone’s Green Ginger Wine left. Which is better left on the shelf.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Round 1 Expert Tips
ROOSTERS v BRONCOS
Well we won’t have to wait too long to see how f—ed the Broncos are this season. Many are tipping them to shake off the large disappointment of 2024 with a finals rebound in 2025. Not me, I say it gets worse. Take that Courier Mail. You’ll just have to bash Albo a bit more. Not that the Roosters have a better side on paper, on the field too, but not in the accountants office, but they’ll have too much for the Broncos, and then let the fun begin when the famously smile-lacking Michael Maguire gives them his first post match spray of the season. Lucky the game isn’t in Brisbane as it might have been cyclone affected. Although maybe there’s a cyclone in the Broncos dressing room afterwards. We’ll have to wait on BOM for that.
Roosters by 10
WESTS TIGERS v NEWCASTLE
Luai, Luai, Oh Boy, Away the Tigers go.
Poor attempts to crowbar a song from Animal House into the NRL’s Friday night football aside, there’s a good vibe about the Wests Tigers this season, to the point that Jarome Luai has dropped like a stone in the least likeable rugby league player. Not playing helps. But hopefully his arrival along with others means the Tigers will surge from the foot of the table and land in the sweet spot of 9th. As for Newcastle, it’s hard to tell what they will do this season, so being lazy I won’t bother trying to work that out and just suggest that they’ll miss the finals when Kalyn Ponga gets injured then they sack the coach.
Wests Tigers by 6
DOLPHINS v RABBITOHS
For once Wayne Bennett won’t be the most important name ahead of this clash. Although, one does wonder what a game being played in a cyclone would be like. Imagine a Matt Burton special. It could end up on Stradbroke Island from Suncorp Stadium. If Suncorp Stadium doesn’t flood. Again. Which I guess would suit a Dolphin more than a Rabbit or Rabbitoh.
Game Postponed
DRAGONS v BULLDOGS
I’m not sure where the anger comes from, but Dragons coach Flanno sh!ts me. Oh wait, maybe it was the way Fox League spent two years talking him into a job. Maybe they bored of his commentary too and wanted him out. At least Fox League tried to get Flanno a job, they simply got rid of Corey Parker. Back to the game and the Bulldogs revolution continues in 2025 with a march to the top four, with a first step being dismantling the Dragons.
Bulldogs by 16
MANLY v COWBOYS
The Cowboys have a very good record at Brookvale, which does sounds like it could be a cattle property somewhere near Charters Towers. As long as there aren’t any crocodiles for Bob Katter to get angry about.
Cowboys by 1
STORM(S) v PARRAMATTA
Melbourne haven’t lost a Round 1 clash since 2001. And Craig Bellamy wouldn’t like it. There is no reason to tip against them.
Melbourne by 20.
READ MORE:
NRL ROUND 1 LAS VEGAS ONE MINUTE MATCH REPORT
NRL ROUND 1 LAS VEGAS NRL DONKEY
2025 NRL Season Preview Stuff
We’ve done a lot of stuff ahead of the new NRL season, and here it all is.
READ MORE: THE GURGLER’S 2025 NRL SEASON SPECIALS
NRL DONKEY’S 2025 NRL SEASON PREVIEW
NRL 2025 SEASON LADDER PREDICTIONS
WOODEN SPOONERS 2025 NRL HEADLINES
WHY YOUR TEAM CAN’T WIN THE NRL 2025 PREMIERSHIP
