The weekly Friday night Open Mic event at Canberra’s Hawker Pub has taken a turn for the worse.
The pub’s open mic night is traditionally a platform for bad stand-up comedians, wannabee rock stars, and general harmless drunk idiots on a dare, but the appearance of an unusual ‘slam poet’ killed the jovial mood.
Dressed in a purple-and-white polka dot dress, with short green hair and wearing giant pink-rimmed glasses, a slam poet known with the stage name of ‘Alison the Patriarchy Killer’ spent a painful 30 minutes passionately screaming into the microphone about how men are the cause of all the world’s problems; Hollywood needs to be better about diversity, gender, and body positivity; and various other topics that most punters stopped listening to after five minutes.
“It was a bit of a novelty at first. The girl looked like the Joker, so I thought it might be something to do with the new Batman movie, but then she started screaming. She wouldn’t stop screaming about whatever nonsense she was going on about, so my mates and I went to the sports bar and watched an old footy game,” said Shane, a Hawker Pub regular. “Cripes, even listening to Cooper Cronk’s commentary was more entertaining than this nutjob!”
Peter, the manager of Hawker Pub, was embarrassed by the stunt. “I saw she had one of her mates down the back filming her, so she was clearly looking to viral on whatever social media crap she’s on so she can get rich and avoid doing an honest day’s work! She’s probably one of those ‘professional students’ who leeches off the generosity of the government.”
In retaliation, Peter has put a strict ban of poetry of any kind at future Open Mic nights. “That bloody sheila’s created more work for me, as I’ve got to re-do all the bloody flyers and social media stuff before next Friday! From now on, there’s no poetry! If you want to do a poem, they’ve got some artsty-fartsy wankfest on Thursdays at the local uni.”
Alison did end up posting the video on her Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok accounts, and is currently waiting to become famous so Netflix will contact her to make a documentary about how brave she is.
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
