In worse condition than a Canberra Stadium, ducking for cover like a Melbourne Storm Assistant Coach, trying his best to not lash out at kids at NRL games while wondering what he’s done wrong not to be a current NRL mascot, sitting on the extended bench and not expecting to play for the good of the team, and being thanked for his service while being unceremoniously sacked, it’s time for the weekly Rugby League rant from The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey. The NRL Donkey provides his NRL Donkey’s 2026 NRL Round 5 Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s 2026 NRL Round 5 Weekly Opinion
With so much bad news going on in the world we need something good to talk about. Or at least a distraction.
Regular readers of this weekly column, if I have any, which I probably don’t and that’s the least I deserve to be honest, will question my wish for something good to talk about. Mainly because I usually come on here every and criticise everything, continue grudges against the same people and TV Channels, and point out the flaws of life. And fair enough too, because the world is kinda awful at the moment. Between cost of living, wars, petrol shortages, MAFS, politics, News Ltd, and most things on social media there’s not a lot to cheer about.
But at least there’s rugby league. A steaming hot serve every week.
Thankfully rugby league gave us the Wests Tigers winning on Friday, putting behind them wheelbarrows full of stats saying why they can’t win to beat the Warriors in New Zealand. A bit of a shame it was the Wahs to lose, but you have to have the darkest of hearts or be Isaac Moses not to wish the Wests Tigers, or Benji Marshall or both well in 2026 and hope they make the finals. I reckon Gus would even be happy for them. Probably not Buzz. He probably hates the Wests Tigers. He seems to hate rugby league.
There I go, back to the hate.
I guess some people will find joy in the first head coach sacking in 2026, most probably Todd Payten at North Queensland who celebrated with his team beating the Melbourne Storm. Seems that North Queensland seems to be good at weathering a visiting storm. Makes sense. Although one would wonders what a Cyclone Craig Bellamy would be categorised as. And which of those BOM guys that look the same will be doing the news updates. I’m sure the BOM is like Fight Club and they are all the same person. But to cyclonic winds, maybe they should have taped the coaches box windows like they do for cyclones. Even if it wasn’t needed, it would be funny.
Without seeing the post match, I’m sure Todd Payten celebrated the win with a grimace. No, not that fat, purple thing from McDonalds.
You do have to wonder sometimes about McDonalds. Like most big companies, the face of the business is a clown, and he’s surrounded by a purple thing who should either lay off the Maccas or looks like the kind of late-night stoner that would enjoy such things that don’t appear on the menu like a Chicken McNugget McFlurry. Of course he won’t get it, as the Ice Cream machine won’t be working, leaving him to burn his mouth on the nuclear heated Beef Pies at the 7-11 nearby, then go home to watch reruns of the X Files.
Then there’s a guy who steals the merch all the time. He’s not even subtle about it, wearing convict clothing and using methods of stealing that usually get you on TV in World’s Worst Criminals. And you really have to think about why do the McDonalds characters let someone continue to hang around who steals their stuff. Maybe they know how hopeless he is as a criminal and keep him around for humour value. I guess the ringleader is a clown after all.
Of course there’s a Mayor with a cheeseburger for a head. Which seems about right knowing local councils. Well, in a few South East Queensland councils perhaps the previous character is more appropriate. If you know what I mean.
I have no problem with the bird thing that hangs out with them but do question her judgement hanging around the bunch of misfits.
Not sure how I got so deep into McDonalds in the middle of a NRL related article, but that’s what I’m told the people come here for. Or leave. Either way.
Talking of fast food, here’s my Round 5 Expert Tips which like fast food will still be underwhelming even though the expectation was lower than a snake’s rear end to begin with.
READ MORE: NRL DONKEY’S 2026 NRL SEASON PREVIEW
READ MORE: PROPER NRL ROUND 5 TIPS
READ MORE: NRL ROUND 5 BEST BETS
READ MORE: GURGLER’S NRL TEAM OF THE WEEK & PLAYER STATS
READ MORE: ONE MINUTE MATCH REPORTS FOR ALL ROUND 4 GAMES
READ MORE: AI GREG NORMAN’S NRL ROUND 3 REVIEW
The NRL Donkey’s 2026 NRL Round 5 Expert Tips & Match Analysis
GAME BY GAME
THURSDAY 8PM – DOLPHINS v MANLY @ Kayo Stadium
Imagine being the most unpopular man at Manly….
Dolphins by 22
FRIDAY 4PM – SOUTH SYDNEY v BULLDOGS
Classic Good Friday match these days, and I’d like to order loads of hate. Maybe not as much hate as on the first Good Friday, that’s a bit extreme, but a little hate. And lots of points. And some Latrell v Crichton action. And less Galvin.
Souths by 4
FRIDAY 8PM – PENRITH v MELBOURNE @ CommBank Stadium
Not even good Melbourne can stop the Panthers juggernaut, let alone the current one. Especially funny if losing three in a row makes Craig Bellamy extra mad. Although you’ll be able to hear the Storm fans moaning from here. Which is a barn in country Queensland. Katter Country (no crocs).
Penrith by 16
SATURDAY 5:30PM – ST GEORGE ILLAWARRA v NORTH QUEENSLAND @ Kogarah
Imagine being worse than the Gold Coast.
North Queensland by 8
SATURDAY 7:30PM – GOLD COAST v BRISBANE
After kicking the Dolphins out of their “home” turf for another season, the Broncos will be keen to flex those big brother muscles again this weekend. And the Titans have won one in a row, so may need a rest.
Broncos by 14
SUNDAY 2PM – SHARKS v WAHS
Somehow the Wahs defied all the stats and lost to the Tigers last weekend. I just can’t find anything interesting to say about the Sharks, so I won’t. No offence.
Wahs by 8
SUNDAY 4PM – NEWCASTLE v CANBERRA
Two teams with surprising results in either direction so far in 2026. Hard to believe that neither side are from Sydney being a 4pm Sunday game.
Newcastle by 10
MONDAY 4PM – PARRAMATTA v WESTS TIGERS
The feelgood factor should get the Tigers home. And how good to have an Easter Monday game to seal the long-er weekend. It’s what Jesus would have wanted.
Tigers by 4
READ MORE: THE GURGLER’S FULL NRL 2026 GEAR
We’ve been working hard for you to bring you the 2026 NRL Season Previews from every angle and angel possible. But never Jo Angel.
NRL DONKEY’S 2026 SEASON PREVIEW
BOLD NRL 2026 SEASON PREDICTIONS
CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT’S SENSIBLE NRL 2026 SEASON PREDICTIONS
WHY YOUR TEAM CAN’T WIN THE 2026 NRL PREMIERSHIP
NRL 2026 RATINGS PREDICTIONS
2026 NRL JERSEY RATINGS WITH AI GREK NORMAN
2026 NRL DRAW ANALYSIS
2026 NRL DRAW ANALYSIS – TEAM BY TEAM
THE A TO Z OF THE 2025 NRL SEASON
