Faster than an Aston Martin, with a compression rate better than any other car, harder than Russell Crowe in Gladiator, slightly less dramatic than Drive to Survive, but somehow still more likeable than most Team Principals, it’s the F1 Donkey with his unique view on F1 and more. Before each race The F1 Donkey puts the ass in sass and unloads his alternative, slightly unhinged thoughts on F1 including this week’s Bold 2026 Australian Grand Prix Predictions and opinion.
The F1 Donkey’s Pre Australian Grand Prix Thoughts
The first race of the season is here and I almost can’t wait. I’m somewhere between hurry up because I’m bored and I’m looking forward to the first practice sessions to see the cars in proper action. Well, except for Mercedes, Red Bull, McLaren and Ferrari who will all probably sandbag. And then sadly for Ferrari they won’t go faster and we/they realise they weren’t actually sandbagging.
Talking of sand, I bet the F1 bosses they started the season in Melbourne and not the desert of Bahrain this year given the US-Iran war and Iran sending our retaliatory missiles like a man at the local playing darts who has had 15 too many pints. Other people should be happy too – the moaning Europeans about having to get up early to watch the race, the alternative of nothing should keep them quiet. Oscar Piastri should be happy too as he would be more popular in Melbourne than Bahrain, well you would think he is. Valtteri Bottas might give him a run across the rest of Australia and the world, but surely not Piastri’s home town.
But you can see why Bottas is so popular. His American eagle speedo shoot on an Australian beach, and the eagles head exactly where you would want the focus is pure social media-ing genius. Bottas is so in right now, this website’s 2026 Bold F1 2026 Predictions can see Bottas getting a Late Night TV show. And he’d be good too.
Wars and oil crises aside, Melbourne is a great place to have the first race anyway. There’s close walls and limited run off to punish the smallest mistakes, rather than the open expanse of the modern Bahrain circuit, where F1 fans will have to wait 15 minutes after qualifying to see if one car has run 3mm too wide around one of the 17 corners. Run a little more than 3mm off the track in Melbourne and you’ll probably end up in the wall. Where you belong.
And even though rain is forecast, it will probably still happen, and at the most inconvenient time for drivers and teams trying to ensure one driver has a better chance to win over the other. Although, now that their favourite has won a World Championship, hopefully the folk at one team can calm the f—k down this season.
Although being in Melbourne, and have a world away, there could be travel issues, given that the favoured route for most European based F1 folk would be through the middle east. Netflix is they were smart enough could have one of those Amazing Race F1 Specials, as the rival drivers and team try and get to Melbourne via different methods and destinations. Trying different challenges along the way to past checkpoints and onto the next leg of travelling.
For Lance Stroll that challenge could be making it to Q2,which he would fail.
Talking of Stroll, the mess that appears to be Aston Martin will be one of the talking points, as the Adrian Newey inspired team are in danger of being slower than a team who hasn’t started a race yet. Newey is a genius, but not every car is a winner. One of his McLarens never actually raced. Maybe Adrian Newey is secretly looking to build a modern day six wheeler. Which would be excellent.
No doubt the other main talking point before, during and after the race weekend will be all the new technology on the cars. With drivers having to lift to charge batteries, and move moveable wings, and hit pass mode, indicate when turning, turn on safety lights, do a reverse park into their pitstop when changing tyres, and monitor car performance and the Dow Jones, the drivers will barely have time to drive the cars around the circuits. And with all that going on, how do F1 bosses expect the drivers to have enough brain power and energy left to overtake each other, which I presume is the point to all these new things.
Thankfully Sky F1’s technical team are quite good at explaining things, not as good as my mate Gee Harduar and possibly Grok, but good enough. And Grok will probably be too busy handling requests for shirtless Grek Norman.
Aside from watching the first practice and seeing the cars for real for the first time, I can’t wait for the start.
The footage from practice starts in Testing show that the starts could be twice as chaotic this season and more, which is always a good thing. Nothing like a good three to four cars elimination at the first corner, followed by jumbled up order for those who had to take evasive action. Then once that dust settles it’s washed away by some random rain.
Ahhh, why would you want the opening Grand Prix anywhere else. Maybe if the Iran war drags on and Bahrain and Saudi Arabia are not feasible, they can stay and run the Grand Prix around the other way of Albert Park, making it more interesting and more unsafe. Or even better, tell Adelaide to get their old track warmed up and ready for action. People loved the Adelaide Grand Prix. And while you’re here, why not give New Zealand the Grand Prix it deserves. What better way to celebrate a McLaren double title than a race in the country of the man who started the team. There we go turning crisis into opportunity. Or cris-itunity or something Homer Simpson called it. Or something like that.
But enough of that for now, and more of the bold Team by Team predictions for this weekend’s Australian Grand Prix.
The NRL Donkey’s Bold 2026 Australian Grand Prix Predictions
And here they are, in a convenient team by team format, so you can ignore them all at your convenience or peril. Depending on the outcome of our prediction.
McLAREN
A double podium, with potential for some early season, tone-setting team orders.
RED BULL
Max Verstappen DNF, Isack Hadjar DNF.
MERCEDES
Will sandbag until the last laps of Q2, take pole position and stuff up the race.
FERRARI
Maybe they’ll come out and win this race and surprise us all. Lewis Hamilton has won here a million times, and Leclerc and Sainz have also taken Ferrari wins here.
WILLIAMS
Could be the most midfield race weekend this season.
ALPINE
Too many grass run offs and walls for Colapinto not to partake. Gasly has a poor record in Australia and will probably join him in the wall at some stage.
RACING BULLS
Arvid Lindblad will do well to make a worse impression on debut than Isack Hadjar did last season. But that turned out all right for him. Maybe a spectacular intra-team clash at turn one with Liam Lawson will see his debut judged as even worse than 2025 Hadjar?
ASTON MARTIN
Lance Stroll to qualify slower than at least one Cadillac, and Alonso won’t see Q2 daylight either. Neither driver to see double figure laps in the race for various reasons.
HAAS
Reckon Oliver Bearman is good for a top 8 qualifying effort and points. Esteban Ocon, less so.
SAUBER
Nico Hulkenberg to make it seven seventh places at the Australian Grand Prix.
CADILLAC
They may have appeared hopelessly slow at times in Testing, but first race, potential weather and chaos is custom made for one of those stealth race days from Sergio Perez to score a couple of points on debut for the US team. Valtteri Bottas will be almost as popular as Oscar Piastri.
