Angrier than a room full of Fox League writers, ducking for cover like a Melbourne Storm Assistant Coach, with a better Round 1 record than Craig Bellamy, trying his best to not lash out at kids at NRL games while wondering what he’s done wrong not to be a current NRL mascot, playing out of position for the good of the team, and getting the full support of the board, it’s time for the first weekly Rugby League rant from The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey for the new season. The NRL Donkey provides his NRL Donkey’s 2026 NRL Round 1 Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s 2026 NRL Round 1 Weekly Rant
So here we are again, another season of NRL to follow, enjoy and moan about. And I can’t wait to do all three, as part of my exclusive deal with The Gurgler website. And when I say exclusive it doesn’t mean there was a bidding war, it means there’s really no room for a bitter and twisted sports following donkey in mainstream media and that this website is the only one who’d take a chance. Low standards for sure, much like the rest of their work. And similar to a couple of clubs offerings in the Pre Season Cup. More on that later.
Talking of more, I’ve already done a season previews and rant, with added commentary on what most clubs are offering heading into 2026, for some it isn’t much. But you can follow it via the link below. Or not, your loss.
READ MORE: NRL DONKEY’S 2026 NRL SEASON PREVIEW
Talking of less, Buzz Rothfield has retired thank god, but that comes with a price. No, not the cost of buying one of the awful, terrible newspapers he used to write for, but his retirement means I have moved up a notch for angry, bitter and twisted rugby league opinion writers.
Despite the excitement of the first week of the NRL, there’s always a little bit of a hollow feeling given that it’s only two games. Yeah sure, it’s in Las Vegas, and yeah they’re going to shove as much Las Vegas stuff in our faces to show you how great the NRL is in Las Vegas, and maybe it is, I’d like to go one year for sure and find another donkey to quickly get married by the most unconvincing Elvis impersonator in the northern hemisphere, but not this year, have a look at the games on offer.
Lucky this isn’t the first time going to Las Vegas as they certainly haven’t provided the neutral or potential new fans with the best offering. Unlike Colin Best, who is always the best offering.
To include Newcastle, last year’s wooden spooners feels underwhelming at best. Yes they have to decide these things well in advance, and they have to share it around with all the clubs, but who south of Hornsby and north of South West Rocks wants to see Newcastle play. Maybe the people in the pub with no beer which is in country NSW somewhere not that far away. Pubs without beer doesn’t sound very fun. The alcohol eases the pain of staring at the Tipping Point on three of the four TVs in the pub in the afternoon after work, or helps drown out the woeful singing of Friday night’s entertainment second and worse rendition of a Shania Twain song, or washes down the Seafood Basket which is truly terrible with some of those generic seafood bites that look like urinal cakes. So maybe the patrons of the pub with no beer are interested in these games more.
Some could say they have Kalyn Ponga to excite us, but he’s hardly been good recently and he seems to hate either rugby league, Newcastle, or rugby league in Newcastle more than anyone. But less than the media in Perth seem to hate rugby league.
An idea from our resident Football draw expert Frankington Stanley is that the team who comes last the previous season is the team who gets the bye in the opening round the following season. So that means that even if you have been pre-selected to go to Vegas, your trip is cancelled if you finish last and spot given to another team. This would ensure the worst team from the previous season doesn’t play in Las Vegas, and could also liven up the end of season where instead of a theoretical punishment of an imaginary wooden spoon, the team that comes last gets a genuine punishment. Ticking a lot of boxes. Just maybe don’t tell Peter V’landys until after this year’s event, as that guy is so keen to make changes on the fly he’d be likely to send Newcastle back home now if he thought it was a good idea.
North Queensland aren’t a bad side to have playing in Vegas. They play some attacking rugby league and their nickname won’t require too much translating. Not that the other teams this year are that bad, Americans aren’t surely that stupid to know what a Knight, Dragons and Bulldog is. You might have to explain that Arnold Schwarzenneger wasn’t the president of the country where these teams came from, and that rugby league isn’t rugby union (but Victorians can’t get that one either so not holding out much hope), but they should get those nicknames. If there’s any seat left for Americans after the mogans take up all the tickets.
The bonus of North Queensland is even if they aren’t playing well, they play bad enough for the other side to look good, and there’s the constant crosses to their coach under pressure, which we presume Americans would love.
The other game is a Channel Nein special. Late Sunday afternoon (Australian time) two Sydney teams, both reasonably dull, not a classic that people would change their wedding plans for.
The kind of game that Channel Nein have been shoving down our throats for a few decades, and one of the reasons I have been lighting candles in my stable to the gods of rugby league (Sportsbet) to beg that Channel Nein lose the TV rights to NRL. Sure Channel Seven won’t do a better job, but it’ll be a different kind of terrible. Just not Channel Nein bad. They can then save their money into recruiting more awful, awful people for MAFS, getting a second machine for the Tipping Point show, and attempting new content like the Stefanovic Brother Friday Night Variety Hour show and more “Social Experiment” crossovers. Like contestants from The Block build a house for MAFS people to ruin. As long as they build it way too big in a place where it won’t sell. Without the NRL to pay for Channel Nein could make The Block wherever they like and it doesn’t matter if they sell. Gympie would be the funniest location.
But if you close your eyes and think back on those Sunday afternoon games, from the era before Fox League were allowed to show it, you can picture Gus Gould and Ray Warren doing the old ladies arguing on a bus about why their ridiculous reason for not having Daylight Savings in Queensland is the better idea. The old “My curtains/lounge chairs will fade with the extra hour of sunlight” versus “Does anyone think of how the Bus Timetables would be affected.” Interspersed with “How Great is Sunday afternoon football”. Well, not great if it is Parramatta’s 50th game on a Sunday for the season.
Thankfully Fox League has shown the Sunday afternoon games in recent years, which means less Gus Gould, which is always a good thing, but Channel Nein still tell them who is playing. Hopefully not for long. Although after the Winter Olympics, maybe they could get Danika Mason or any other presenter on the sauce before the game to make them more interesting. Just not Mat Thompson, he yells enough already, and I’m concerned he could be an angry drunk, who aren’t fun. Fatty Vautin would be a fun drunk I reckon, because he’s a fun guy. Perhaps Channel Nein could offer up an alternative “sauced” coverage and ensure Fatty is involved. I’m sure it would be popular.
So no offence to the Bulldogs or Dragons, and regardless of whether I’m excited about it, I’ll still be watching, because any rugby league is always better than no rugby league. Although no rugby league is sometimes better than Channel Nein rugby league.
Talking of no, nein and everything in between, here are the expert tips for the Las Vegas edition of NRL Round 1. I’ve been told I’m getting paid in full despite only being two games, so I’ll do my best.
The NRL Donkey’s 2026 NRL Round 1 Expert Tips
SUN – NEWCASTLE v NORTH QUEENSLAND
I can’t see how a team that came last in 2025 and scored zero points in their most recent trial game are going to be any better half a world away. Especially one that has such a terrible away record vs Queensland teams, that’s only a few thousand kilometres. The Cowboys scored 100 points in their two trial games, but they were playing inferior opposition. Much like this weekend.
North Queensland by 22
SUN – BULLDOGS v ST GEORGE ILLAWARRA
Hopefully a new year means less Lachlan Galvin, but it probably won’t. They’ll be endless chat on what his best position will be, and who he moves and bla bla bla. At least Buzz isn’t around to crank that up to 11 anymore. He did seem to hate Gus a lot, which is funny. But in fairness both teams have halves that get way too much attention. Kyle Flanagan is the Lance Stroll of rugby league. Both have their fathers to thank for their elevated position within their sport, both won’t win World Championships, but Kyle Flanagan might be a better chance of getting out of a Brazilian gravel trap, although that is currently untested. This game will be a battle about who Fox League will cream their pants about more – Lachlan Galvin or Dragons coach Shane Flanagan. Neither are interesting, nor is this game.
Bulldogs by 14
READ MORE: THE GURGLER’S FULL NRL 2026 GEAR
We’ve been working hard for you to bring you the 2026 NRL Season Previews from every angle and angel possible. But never Jo Angel.
NRL ROUND 1 TIPS – VEGAS EDITION
NRL DONKEY’S 2026 SEASON PREVIEW
BOLD NRL 2026 SEASON PREDICTIONS
CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT’S SENSIBLE NRL 2026 SEASON PREDICTIONS
WHY YOUR TEAM CAN’T WIN THE 2026 NRL PREMIERSHIP
NRL 2026 RATINGS PREDICTIONS
2026 NRL JERSEY RATINGS WITH AI GREK NORMAN
2026 NRL DRAW ANALYSIS
2026 NRL DRAW ANALYSIS – TEAM BY TEAM
THE A TO Z OF THE 2025 NRL SEASON
