Angrier than a room full of Fox League writers, ducking for cover like a Melbourne Storm Assistant Coach, drinking out of more toilets than any Bronco star could ever hope for, wondering what he’s done wrong not to be a current NRL mascot, and hating Channel Nein in advance for their Grand Final coverage, it’s time for the weekly Rugby League rant of The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey, who provides his NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Grand Final Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Grand Final Rant
And so it has come to this. The 2025 NRL Grand Final. Not the “Big Dance”. That’s a stupid name used by lazy journalists on morning news shows and talkback radio. Probably the Courier Mail in Brisbane too, if I could be bothered paying to read it, which I’m not. It’s not even fit for wiping my rear end with. More journalism quality and the ink that would be smeared across my buttocks. Although, it would be funny if it were the Personals section. If that still exists.
Welcome to rugby league’s most polarising Grand Final. Melbourne v Brisbane. One that excludes fans from NSW, non rugby loving Victoria (which is most of it), Western Australia, South Australia, the Territories and New Zealand. Not PNG, they rugby league no matter who’s playing. Love PNG.
Of course, it is good to a degree that Penrith aren’t in the Grand Final, not because I hate them, I don’t, I admire their success, but it would be nice for someone else to win it. Just a shame the alternative are the Storm and Broncos. Or Storms as they say in other parts.
But I guess that’s at least a choice of two. And more on those two choices later. For the Grand Final coverage we have no choice, and as ever that lack of choice is crap. The home of crap really, Channel Nein. Home of MAFS. And Todd Woodbridge.
Sure we only have to endure four games on Channel Nein every year, but that’s at least five games too many.
It’s bad enough they stand in the way of standalone Origins on weekends, something that fans want. But they stand in the way of what NRL fans can nearly all agree on – like Ashley Klown is a sh!t referee, Buzz Rothfield is a bitter old man, Channel Nein’s coverage of rugby league is also sh!t – a daytime NRL Grand Final.
The AFL can do it, because when they do a television deal they don’t ask “Please sir, may I have another” like the arse slapping scene from the movie Animal House, with Channel Nein holding the paddle, which of course you better believe is worth a paddling. The AFL tell the broadcasters when the Grand Final is on. 2:30pm, last Saturday in September.
So people can gather early, light the BBQ, have beers way earlier than is normally socially acceptable, eat more food because it’s there not because it’s needed, and watch the biggest game of football for the season in the timeslot it deserves, and the fans demand.
And the AFL get the big names for their entertainment, like Snoop Dogg, and Katy Perry the year before. Well, Katy Perry wasn’t very good, but she was a big name. Same for Meatloaf. But Snoop Dogg, who was outstanding and famous, and he was heavily involved in the promo of the game beforehand. Unlike whoever is playing the NRL Grand Final. Last time I heard he cancelled shows and isn’t coming. But even if he was, would he be as involved in the NRL as Snoop Dogg has been for the AFL? Can’t see it.
Note to Brisbane 2032 Olympics organisers: get Snoop Dogg signed up now for 2032. And hurry up and start building the stadiums, transport, infrastructure and mascot so it isn’t a complete embarrassment. Well, at least you moved it from QSAC, which was the most embarrassing sports administration decision this century. Why people think conspiracy theories about Governments whose inept decision making came up with the QSAC Brisbane 2032 Olympic Stadium option is beyond me.
For what it’s worth, I think the Ibis is a great mascot for the 2032 Olympics. Just don’t hand it over to the Art community who will probably two weird characters that resemble nothing called something stupid like Wank-Wank and #something.
But back to entertainment, and of course I’m never talking about Channel Nein, do we really need entertainment before the game, or at half time, whenever they have it planned. It’s usually one song off the new album that no matter how famous the person is no one wants to hear, and a golden oldie which is so far from the prime that it feels like RSL Karaoke night on a Thursday. Or in the case of Wolfmother, a heat participant (not finalist) from Triple J’s Battle of Bands.
If the guy coming out for the 2025 NRL Grand Final doesn’t come, does anyone really care? Teddy Swims? Or something. How about old Footy Show style have James “Teddy” Tedesco come out and drop a quick ten minute set of lip synching. You know he could.
I’m sure Jimmy Barnes cares though, as I presume he is one the speed dial of the NRL, and he wouldn’t be a bad option normally, and even this year is 40 year anniversary of Working Class Man, a fine song for the NRL given it is the working man/woman’s game. But would fan long for more Jimmy Barnes, or would be just happy with the extra 15 minutes to line up for a toilet break and get another four beers.
How about using this year as the year to take back the pre-game entertainment.
In fairness, the NRL does get most of it right. By having two other games of rugby league before the big game (never big dance). The State Championship is a wonderful idea, as is having the NRLW Grand Final on the same day, given the women’s Grand Final the occasion it deserves. Unlike the AFL which has next to nothing except Snoop Dogg, and endless hours of Channel Seven stretching out their coverage. No wonder the AFL has to go after the big names of entertainment, as there’s nothing else to do. Rugby league being rugby league simply uses rugby league to entertain. Which is why they should give up on music.
Instead of music, between the first and second games is the Mascot Olympics and/or Steeplechase. All 17 are invited. There’s nothing funnier than mascots doing stuff, and having all 17 competing at once virtually guarantees everyone entertainment.
For the break between the second games and the Grand Final, it is time to re-launch the 100 metre sprint for rugby league players.
All clubs supply a player each, and there are two heats and a final for both men and women’s NRL.
This speed test will get the fans ready for rugby league, unlike a musical act, which can sometimes have the equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard for getting fans excited about the game.
Something to consider. You don’t even have to wait for Channel Nein to lose the coverage, why not do it this year Channel Nein to show you care a little about rugby league fans.
Your kidnapping of the NRL Grand Final time, no standalone origin, your blokey-blokey in-joke coverage, and Billy Slater alone show you don’t care about league fans at the moment.
Also not caring is how do you pick a side to cheer for this Sunday.
The easy option for folk in Victoria is to jump on the Melbourne Storm bandwagon. Something is quite easy now all AFL is over. So many Melbourne based fans will likely watch their first game of rugby league for 2025 this weekend. First of all, lucky you, I’ve had to put up with Channel Nein three times already. But secondly, and I stress this, it is called rugby league, or NRL if that’s too hard to pronounce. It is not “rugby”. That rugby union, a sh!t game that is worse than A League Soccer.
So if you aren’t from Victoria and therefore understand rugby league, a Storm-Broncos Grand Final doesn’t get the blood flowing. Or maybe it does, and that’s how you know who to support. The use of hate, which is so much easier and more efficient.
As a neutral there’s a lot to hate.
There’s hints that both clubs are being looked after by the NRL. Or for some, not even hints.
Maybe you hate a player enough to support the other team. Looking a Reece Walsh, who was second in a poll taken on this website of rugby league’s most punchable players. Reed Mahoney was number one for the record. Jarome Luai has dropped out of the top ten with his huge effort for the Wests Tigers.
Walsh’s toilet water drinking would make many sick, and seeing Broncos fans bringing their own toilet gear to games is another reason to hate the Broncos.
Maybe because the Broncos are from Queensland, and Queensland have had a good year for rugby league. It would be so NSW to dislike the Broncos because of Queensland. Especially in a season where NSW lost the Origin series. And fair enough, if I was from Queensland, and I do claim that when they win, I’d probably hate both NSW teams.
Well, that excuse doesn’t hold up too much, as Melbourne have almost as many Queenslanders as the Broncos.
Maybe there’s a tall poppy cutting to be done to decide the winner. But then again, both teams are sort-of tall poppies, so hard to like for another reason.
Maybe there’s too many reasons to hate both sides, and you end up supporting no one because you don’t want to hate too much, and think there’s already enough hate in the world.
There’s always betting, which can sometimes ease the pain.
Talking of pain, even I’m bored with this week’s rant, so time to move on.
Well that’s it for me for the 2025 NRL season. I am heading back to the barn for hibernation until next NRL season, where the rants will return. And if you don’t I understand. Your loss.
Talking of loss, here are the final expert tips for 2025.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Grand Final Expert Tips
SUNDAY 6:30pm – MELBOURNE v BRISBANE @ Sydney Olympic Park
I don’t know if it says more about Melbourne or the NRL in general in 2025 that the Storm have been operating at less than their best for a large chunk of the season, yet their 75%-80% of their historic best is good enough to make the Grand Final. Does that mean Melbourne just know how to win after decades of it. And they know how to win because they are sh!t scared of rugby league’s angriest man? Have they had an easier draw in the finals? Do the NRL favour them? Some say yes to all. But is it that the rest of the teams had patches of form so bad that nearly every other team except Canberra looked like they could fall out of the top eight at some stage. I say it’s a combination of all, but mostly the Bellamy fear factor. I usually tip accordingly because I’m scared of retribution. And I’m hiding behind a laptop in a barn.
Brisbane have certainly done it the hard way this finals series, having played a game longer than most movies in Canberra, and overcoming the premiership behemoth that is Penrith last weekend. All with only playing good for about 20-30 minutes in both of those games. Ok, so those minutes are very important, and have proven very successful, but if they fall behind by too many, will their point scoring burst be enough? If the deficit gets too large, then will the Broncos try too hard and stuff everything up, and Reece Walsh yelling at everyone because it’s their fault, except for when it’s his fault, then he’s really quiet.
The question is, can Melbourne get far enough in front to counter when it all clicks for the Broncos. That, and what kind of special treat do we have in store from Reece Walsh post-match if the Broncos win.
The answer is no to question one, and for question two hopefully it involves a hobby horse, toilets and fire.
Brisbane by 2
Read More:
NRL GRAND FINAL PREDICTIONS & STATS
NRL FINALS WEEK 3 RESULTS, STATS & TEAM OF THE WEEK
