Angrier than a room full of Fox League writers, ducking for cover like a Melbourne Storm Assistant Coach, drinking out of more toilets than any Bronco star could ever hope for, wondering what he’s done wrong not to be a current NRL mascot, and out in straight sets, it’s time for the weekly Rugby League rant of The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey, who provides his NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Finals Week 2 Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Finals Week 3 Weekly Rant
After a season spent complaining about half-arsed Origin period rugby league, why Ashley Klown keeps getting the big gigs in rugby league refereeing, neutral Origin games, Lachlan Galvin, Buzz Rothfield, Channel Nein, Olympic Stadium choices, why Triple Jump was invented to make jumping into a sand pit way more complicated than it should be, the quiet carriages on trains, the Bunker, golden point, cheating NRL trainers and their fans reactions to them, goal kickers that take too long and my suggestion of exploding rugby league balls being rejected, the lack of players with the names Steele, Bruce and Bronco, plus F1 driver Lance Stroll, we have reached the final four teams left for the 2025 NRL Premiership, and strangely enough, two of them weren’t the top four teams after the regular season.
Well I don’t know if it is strange, as to be honest it felt like a season where the bottom four of the top four could end up being the top one on Grand Final night. If I’m more honest, and no Fospos, I was looking at the Roosters and Panthers as those bottom four bolters. Thankfully as a bitter, hate-filled donkey the Roosters got knocked out first week.
Not Penrith though, they are the Max Verstappen of NRL. And if you think about it, they really are, as both have won the titles for the past four seasons. Both in a style of dominance, to the point where some find it arrogant. Some of those critics have found the Panthers less arrogant this season. A mixture of less Jarome Luai and a lower than usual ladder position. Similar to Verstappen, who has been found to be more tolerable this season without winning everything, and have 100% less arrogance now that Red Bull Christian Horner departed. Other critics like Buzz Rothfield can go and stuff themselves to the point of being given a Viking funeral without the pre-requisite of death. I’m sure someone will miss him. Although probably not enough to wave off the iceberg.
But the link between Max Verstappen and Penrith is more than just about the four titles they have won, both are having similar 2025 seasons. Instead of being dominant, Penrith have spent a large chunk of the season in the bottom half of the ladder and even occupied last. Much like Verstappen who had to start settling for grid positions outside of the top three and occasionally have his race ruined by being wiped out by less talented drivers. But both are on the comeback trail. While Max Verstappen’s 2025 title still looks a long shot, and will come at the expense of Oscar Piastri, who may like Penrith, but given his outward demeanour means he may not like anything, it is still possible, although Verstappen will basically have to win every race that is left in the season, but if he does, he will seal an remarkable comeback Championship, and the fifth will be the best.
Same for Penrith, who need to win all of their remaining games to win the 2025 Championship aka NRL Premiership. Although their task is much easier given they only have to win two events, and don’t have to drive a rugby league ball at 350 km/h. But the stars are aligning for both, and both would be extraordinary championship wins. One for the ages.
Which does beg the question, if Penrith are the Max Verstappen of rugby league, who are the other three teams. And who is the Lance Stroll. Well, that one is probably easy, the Gold Coast. Both seems to give as much of a crap about their sport as the other. Which is minimal. Although that is harsh on the Gold Coast Titans, as Lance Stroll sucks so much more than the Titans.
Maybe the Broncos are the Lando Norris of the NRL. Not just because of unconvincing facial hair, but like Lando Norris, the Broncos are the darlings of media and talked about way more than most rugby league fans would like to hear. The Broncos have also benefitted from preferential treatment, much like it feels like Lando Norris is the favoured son at McLaren. Whilst I’m not sure of Lando Norris’ stance on drinking toilet water, he does come across as a Reece Walsh type of guy. Loads of talent, fast, occasionally accident prone, and full of themselves. Hard to like.
Melbourne would have to be the Lewis Hamilton of rugby league. Consistent performers and winners, but arguably Melbourne, like the Lewis Hamilton aren’t quite as good as they used to be. But in the Storm’s defence, Melbourne have certainly not dropped off to the degree that Lewis Hamilton’s pisspoor season as Ferrari has been. Maybe it might. A loss to the Sharks would be a very 2025 Lewis Hamilton kind of thing to do.
Cronulla are the George Russell of the NRL right now. Going under the radar with solid performances, and just that little bit dull, so no one really cares either way whether they do well or not. Except for Nicho Hynes, he’s the Nico Hulkenberg of the NRL, not just because they share the same name, but everyone loves Nico Hulkenberg, and Nicho Hynes. Nico The Hulk Hulkenberg got his overdue success to shut people up this season in the British Grand Prix, so maybe the F1 links means the Australian Nicho will taste NRL Premiership success and stick two fingers up to all the critics. Not Buzz, he’s strangely quiet on Cronulla stuff.
There’s probably lots of teams who want to be the Charles Leclerc of the NRL. Everyone wants to be like Charles Leclerc. Not only does he have a great job, he has a name which is fun to say. Like Stelle Retchless, Fuifui MoiMoi, and Semi Radradra. I do really miss Semi Radradra, and do wonder if he could have driven an F1 car in his prime.
No one is the Oscar Piastri of NRL, and that’s just the way he likes it. And as an Aussie let’s hope the Verstappen-Panthers unlikely premiership win crossover doesn’t happen. Well at least the Verstappen part. And certainly not the Lando part. Which then I guess leave the George Russell of the NRL to win aka Cronulla, as we don’t want Verstappen or Norris to win the title, and Lewis Hamilton can’t because he’s crap this year, and we didn’t assign a team to Oscar Piastri.
That’s OK, it means many more pictures of AI Greg Norman doing wonderful things with Sharks to come. Much like this weekend’s expert selections.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Finals Week 3 Expert Tips
FRIDAY 7:50pm – MELBOURNE v CRONULLA @ AAMI Park
One can only hope that despite what the result is, the lots of stuff makes Craig Bellamy blow up during the game, my favourite rugby league indulgence is waiting for that Bellamy box inset to explode. The Sharks can be a pretty frustrating side too, so here’s hoping. Cronulla have done very well to get this far and it is so easy to write them off as finals powderers, with a nod to Melbourne’s final pedigree. And because I am extremely lazy I shall do just that.
Melbourne by 10
SUNDAY 4:05PM – BRISBANE v PENRITH – SUNCORP STADIUM
No offence to Cronulla or Melbourne fans, although Melbourne fans would still be prickly enough to take offence, and I mean no disrespect Mr Bellamy, honestly I don’t, please don’t yell at me. But this Broncos v Panthers game is the premium clash of the weekend. So many angles going they’ll be throwing protractors around like Ninja stars in the lead up to this game. The coolness of Cleary vs the Toilet Drinking rugby league explosion that is Reece Walsh. The angriest man in rugby league since Dallas Johnson – Liam Martin – up against the almost gentle giant powerhouse that is Payne Haas. The potential return of star players Adam Reynolds, Ezra Mam, Selwyn Cobbo, and Xavier Willison, all of whom have missed the Broncos recent winning run, and whether their return will help or hinder (not the band) the Broncos. Of course in the case of Xavier Willison there is no question. The man mountain plays, Brisbane are better. Fact.
It is also a replay of the 2023 Grand Final where Broncos’ let a Grand Final win set up by Ezra Mam slip through their fingers like Ezra Mam’s fingers slipped off the steering wheel. There’s the lingering talk of five-peats and dynasties, and where better to do that than Suncorp Stadium. No doubt Fox Sports’ Matt Nable will give us a slow and low voiceover leading into the game. Which will be better than the loooooooong, and booooooooring as Michael Ennis commentary.
Penrith by 12
Read More:
NRL FINALS WEEK 3 PREDICTIONS & STATS
NRL FINALS WEEK 2 RESULTS, STATS & TEAM OF THE WEEK
