Angrier than a room full of Fox League writers, more of an obstruction than a Penrith trainer, fluent in 10 different languages for giving opposition fans the finger and ducking for cover like a Melbourne Storm Assistant Coach, it’s time for the weekly Rugby League rant of The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey, who provides his NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Round 23 Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Round 23 Weekly Rant
Who’d think that such a furore would break out about the Gold Coast Titans kicking a conversion. Or indeed the Gold Coast Titans getting close enough to winning that a conversion for them was important. The 34 Titans fans at CBUS Stadium were outraged, and they probably should be outraged, as outraged as last drinks being called on Cavill Avenue, or running out of bronze sunscreen before a Saturday morning beach strut, hoping to be interviewed by a roving Sunrise reported who has nothing better to do than ask an inane question that shouldn’t matter and doesn’t in the real world. That’s probably harsh on Gold Coast people, not Sunrise, because Sunrise is dross.
OK, so the Penrith trainer looked about as sorry as Lachlan Galvin did leaving the Wests Tigers, or the referees boss every week when he has to explain the plethora of Refereeing and Bunker stuff ups, but maybe it was a pure accident that instead of running on a potential 150 different routes to the sideline he chose the one that runs directly in the way of the Titans kicker. But did it really make a difference? Except for thin-skinned Penrith fans who aren’t used to people not worshipping them for everything all the time.
Kicking for conversions is a necessary evil in rugby league, but certainly an area that could be improved. Conversions take way too long, and we certainly don’t want rugby league to go down the rugby union route where most of the 80 minutes is spent waiting for penalty kicks or conversions, checking stock market options, ensuring the fancy beer you’re drinking at the ground is labels out so everyone know you’re drinking the fancy stuff, your collar is set to up, and the RM Williams boots are looking their best.
More than 10 seconds of looking up at the posts is too long, and more than 30 seconds after the try is awarded is too long. Of course that doesn’t include when The Bunker wait until most of the crowd are on the last train home to tell the referee it isn’t a try for some pedantic and pathetic reason. No one spoils rugby league joy like The Bunker. Or Channel Nein.
Previously, and under a different writing name, this website suggested that rugby league balls be fitted with a small explosive that is fitted to the ball after scoring a try. If the ball hasn’t crossed the try line within a minute of scoring a try the ball simply explodes. Which would make for wonderful TV, and action at the ground. Will the kicker do it in time? What kind of explosive did they use this time? Etc. Although we’d have to consult the rule book to see if the ball is kicked hard enough that the carcass of the ball still goes through the posts after explosion whether it remains a goal or not. Or even more complex is that if some of the ball shrapnel makes it through the posts and some of it doesn’t then do we have to measure which percentage of ball carcass went through the posts or not. I guess then we’d have to ask The Bunker, who would take forever and f–k it up anyway. So then we really haven’t solved anything at all. Except it would be funny.
Maybe the NRL could use the Penrith trainer as an example. Once the kicker is in position he has 20 seconds to kick the ball. After the 20 seconds shot clock goes off, the opposition are free to allow anyone to do anything to get in the way. I guess without touching the kicker themselves.
You would have to have some rules I guess, and better to limit it to people who are allowed on the field. It would be dangerous although fun if we opened up the goal kicking distraction to anyone in the ground. Perhaps clubs could do a charity raffle to obtain those spots. But this could lead to an element of people who only come to NRL games to get on the field for their own promotion. Which could lead to more influencers involved with rugby league., which is bad thing. Influencers being among the worst group of people on earth.
So players, and trainers and even coaches if they are up for a bit of fun. Ricky Stuart I reckon would be the best, closely followed by Kevin Walters who could provide a light hearted distraction. Much like most of the 2024 Broncos season. We of course quickly rule out Craig Bellamy. Although, Bellamy would be kind of good at yelling at goal kickers. Except he appears to be much better at yelling at his own goal kickers.
But if we are including on field personnel, then that opens it up to various other activities who regularly are on the ground. Like cheerleaders, mascots, bands, and in the Broncos case, a horse.
How funny would it be if at Suncorp Stadium the Broncos nominate Buck the Horse, or whatever it’s called these days, to do laps of the goal kicker after the thirty second warning. If the rider also lassoes that would be even funnier. As would whip cracking. Now you’re getting somewhere with making goal kicking more entertaining.
Those teams without a horse, and with mascots that aren’t housed by 80+ year old legends who like most of us, hate Sharks fans’ children, they could use cheer leaders or bands.
Imagine what a boon for the local arts around rugby league clubs when they decide that having a 100 person marching band with loads of brass instruments is the best way of distracting the goal kicker. And of course they can modify the song depending on the opposition. Jaws theme song for Cronulla players. When the Saints Go Marching in for Dragons players. Or anything by Helb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass for Melbourne Storm. Unless Craig Bellamy doesn’t like it. Which he wouldn’t.
Or even better if you have seen the movie BASEketball, and there’s no reason why anyone reading this have not seen it, go on do it now I’ll wait, you could allow one player to stand within two metres of the goal kicker and try for a Psyche Out. Imagine the theatre of the goal kicking dealing with a person from the opposition whose sole job is to put them off. And think about who would be really great at it.
Of course former player and urine connoisseur Todd Carney would be good, as the goal kicker would not know what kind of behaviour would be coming. Or lack of behaviours more to the point. Going into history John Hopoate would also probably be very good at it. Same with Cooper Cronk, who could put the goal kicker to sleep with his constant droll.
Of the modern playing era, I’m sure someone like Cameron Munster would be good at the Psyche Out. Someone with a bit of cheek would excel, and for Munster be just another thing he’d be good at. Spencer Leniu would also work but down the other end of the scale with a stare that would unnerve any goal kicker except for Nathan Cleary one would presume.
Every club would have one that would be up for it. Reed Mahoney from the Bulldogs, Alex Seyfarth from the Tigers. Kurt Capewell from the Warriors. You can picture them all being successful at the Psyche Out.
As would any player from the PNG team coming soon. If they can survive playing in the PNG national competition, then psyching out an NRL player is easy work.
But no one would be better at the Psyche Out than Ray Stone. The Dolphins hard man, and secret action film consultant would not have to do anything. His presence and stare would be enough to have any goal kicker crumbling at the knees and checking their duds for Nutella. Worse still, if they do kick the goal, that would make Ray Stone even madder, which then the goal kicker would then presume, rightly, that Ray Stone would take it out on them next tree-felling tackle. So the goal kicker would work out it is in their best interest for their mental and physical health to never convert a goal when Ray Stone is nearby. Talk about impact for a team if the opposition are too scared to kick goals. It would claw back ten and more points each week. Which covers the lack of try scoring from Ray Stone. But don’t tell him I said that. I’m only covered for dental, optics and physio. Not Ray Stone inflicted pain and trauma.
That may lead to teams needing to rethink interchange strategy to include the best psychers. Adding a great element to the game.
But don’t let all the psyching out scare you away from this week’s expert tips for Round 23.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Round 23 Expert Tips
THU – MELBOURNE v BRISBANE
Melbourne have never lost a Thursday home game. Ever. Which will make the camera pans into the coaches box even more funny if they do lose. That said, the Storm’s record v Brisbane, Qld and Thursday is amazing.
Melbourne by 26
FRI – NEWCASTLE v PENRITH
Penrith are the NRL’s hottest team again, restoring everything except ladder position to business as usual. It was fun for a while. Not fun is Newcastle’s home form. One of the only games they have won is where the crowd booed them at half time. So Panthers fans be wary not to boo Newcastle as they might think that it’s the Newcastle home fans trying to cheers them on. And probably also avoid giving the finger in any language.
Penrith by 20
FRI – CANBERRA v MANLY
One does have to check the NRL draw a few times to see Canberra playing on a Friday at 8pm at home on Channel Nein. The Raiders fans will tell you they’ve had the loss they had to have or the loss to get out of the way before the finals after losing last weekend. Now they need to avoid the loss they don’t really want. Lucky they’re playing Manly who are usually terrible away from home. And who could blame them this week swapping city comforts, proximity to Home and Away and beach for Antarctic Canberra.
Canberra by 12
SAT – ST GEORGE ILLAWARRA v CRONULLA (Kogarah)
Next.
Sharks by 30
SAT – DOLPHINS v ROOSTERS (Suncorp Stadium)
A proper finals battle clash where the Dolphins can sniff finals football if they beat the Roosters. This donkey will be hoping for some cooked chooks this weekend.
Dolphins by 20
SAT – BULLDOGS v WARRIORS (Olympic Stadium)
Two top four teams that are slowly choking their way to 2025 disappointment meet to make one feel worse than the other. Two things on the Warriors side – excellent away form in Sydney and rain. Bulldogs appear to hate it.
Warriors by 6
SUN – GOLD COAST v SOUTH SYDNEY
An early Spoon Bowl. Which does beg the question, why can’t we have a Spoon Bowl every season. As a punishment for being the two worst teams in the competition they have to play on the Monday night after the final Sunday game for our entertainment and to determine who was the worst team in 2025. This will really test Souths’ current form. The Rabbitohs streak over the Titans is as long as their injury list and current losing streak in 2025.
Souths by 2
SUN – PARRAMATTA v NORTH QUEENSLAND
The NRL certainly haven’t saved the best until last.
Parramatta by 13
NRL 2025 NRL Season Stats
