Angrier than a room full of Fox League writers and NRL 360 hosts, slower than a Bunker decision, more trouble than a busload of NRL players on a trip to Bali, and less efficient than DOGE would approve of, it’s time for the weekly Rugby League rant of The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey, who provides his 2025 NRL Round 1 Las Vegas Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
In addition to his weekly NRL Tipping rant, the NRL Donkey has extended himself and is ready to run his mouth and opinions on which teams will do what this season with the full team by team thoughts.
READ MORE: ROUND 1 NRL LAS VEGAS TIPS
READ MORE: THE NRL DONKEY’S ROUND 1 EXPERT TIPS AND OPINION
NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Season Preview Team by Team
In no particular order, just what sprung to mind first, here is the NRL Donkeys team-by-team 2025 chances report.
PENRITH
Penrith are the AI of the NRL. Well, not Grok, that evil one lurking in the evil universe that used to be known as Twitter and is now called X. Aside from Xavier Willison, nothing good starts with an X. Anyways, back to Penrith and their AI. Their team will be regenerated into the new season, and win everything again. There can be no other explanations for Nathan Cleary’s brilliance, or Brian To’o’s runs from the back or Dylan Edwards himself other than to believe they are all robots or aliens sent from another time to save the world with outstanding rugby league. The only bonus is we believe Penrith has no association with Elon Musk, so their brand of AI is safe to use.
ROOSTERS
Looks like it might be a rebuilding year for the Roosters. And by rebuilding year we mean the accountants are working very hard out the back in working out how they can fit the $14M worth of talent they need into their team whilst only paying a third of the salary cap. Rumours of a trip to Manchester City’s finance department are unconfirmed but wouldn’t surprise. As for this season performance it could be anywhere from 2nd to 12th, with a bitter preference for the latter end.
NORTH QUEENSLAND
Will be glad rugby league is back rather than having to deal with floods and probably another few cyclones before April is done. So having Scott Drinkwater at the back seems somewhat appropriate. For the Cowboys in general though, we’re not exactly sure what to tip, but glad we’ll probably be distracted by a federal election cycle which will no doubt be filled with cuts of Bob Katter doing his best work. You look at the squad and it looks weaker than 2024, so hanging on to the eight will be a good job.
BRISBANE
Heard the off season has been hard with gut busting training sessions, lots of tough feedback and defensive driving courses for all. Not convinced there isn’t rugby league’s biggest internal sh!tfight going on at the Broncos, so given that a side who looked lazy, had a split playing group and saw troubles off the field have a new coach that players eventually hate, there’s no reason to think that Broncos will finish higher than 2024. Not surprised we’re not hearing more about it as News Ltd ownership of the Broncos ensures floors are well swept. Can even see a return bout of late night pub wrestling as the season wears on and the frustrations arise. And won’t Reece Walsh be easy to handle if the team isn’t going well, given his humility and compassion towards other players. All I know, is the best player will be Xavier “Universal Soldier” Willison.
CRONULLA SHARKS
Not sure why, maybe it is Scott Morrison’s association in the past, or that Fox League troll Buzz Rothfield is a fan, but Cronulla does nothing for me except for rugby league’s nicest man Nicho Hynes. Unlike the Roosters and Flanno’s Dragons, I don’t wish them anything bad at all, and by all accounts they are top four ready. So hopefully for their sake Nicho Hynes is not considered for NSW and he can do his best work in blue in the Shire.
MELBOURNE STORM
For sheer perverse pleasure I hope Melbourne get off to a 0-6 start to the season, to really make Craig Bellamy mad. There are few things more enjoyable than seeing a Bellamy spray in the box, watching the assistant coaches look like dogs with their tail between their legs wondering which way to look. Injuries, cold weather and confusion with rugby union will be Melbourne’s biggest problems through the season, they are already two fullbacks short, but as long as they can keep one of their halves on the field, and get 50% from the other it will go a long way to another top four finish. One problem won’t be abundant support from the general Victorian population before September.
SOUTH SYDNEY RABBITOHS
The return of Wayne Bennett hasn’t brought any luck, which is odd given a rabbit’s foot is used for luck, but key injuries to Cameron Murray and Latrell Mitchell means any chance of moving away from their busted arse woefulness in 2024 looks more remote. Their pre season form doubles down on that to some degree. I guess we’ll see how good Wayne Bennett really is, but if they don’t finish ahead of the Dolphins then it will be classed a s failure in my opinion. Unless the Dolphins finish first. Which they won’t. Maybe Russell Crowe could introduce a little Gladiator work to their training schedule.
WESTS TIGERS
Haven’t seen this much Buzz around a rugby league team since the Fox League muppet deployed drones around a Bulldogs training session so he could continue his pathetic feud with Gus Gould. You would only be the most bitter person on earth, or hard-to-please Greens voter if you didn’t wish the Wests Tigers great success in 2025. Certainly with Penrith winners, and a bunch of young go getters combining for 2025 they will avoid another spoon, and prowl their way to the upper reaches of the midfield. Maybe even finals. Maybe 9th for old time’s sake. And build on top of that when they get their shiny upgrade of their Leichhardt Oval courtesy of a federal election. Maybe why not ask for Campbelltown at the same time. Although, the Tigers winning record there is pretty bad so maybe not. And hope the Greens don’t steal those electorates, as they won’t rebuild rugby league stadiums, as they simply hate fun.
CANTERBURY BULLDOGS
The Bulldogs revolution continues, but wondering if we’ve reached the stage of thanking Gus for all his work and kicking him out like the Panthers managed to do successfully. It would be harsh on him that’s for sure, but as a Queenslander the sympathy wouldn’t last long. But it’s good to have the Bulldogs back in the sharp end, their fans may get the Sky News Albo treatment from mainstream news, and occasionally they deserve it, but are always interesting and do tend to fill up most stadiums except for the Olympic Stadium, because it’s too big for weekly games and is a sh!t ground. If there’s not as much success in 2025, it’s still worth following Gus Gould on the socials.
PARRAMATTA EELS
I wonder at what stage someone will wonder if it was Brad Arthars fault all along. He can’t complain though, as he would have been sacked seven times in English soccer/football given his tenure at the Eels. New coach Jason Ryles doesn’t enthuse, and there is a worry that there’ll be some sellers remorse. The fact that Wayne Bennett went to Souths tells you all you need to know. Although there’s a chance both clubs couldn’t sharing company at the foot of the ladder in 2025.
GOLD COAST TITANS
You could usually be forgiven for ignoring the Gold Coast’s chances for NRL success in 2025. In fact no one would blame you if you ignored all Gold Coast’s potential sporting chances. As per the earlier Why Your Team Can’t Win the NRL in 2025, here’s the rundown of Gold Coast sporting teams.
GOLD COAST GIANTS/SEAGULLS/CHARGERS/TITANS(NRL) – 1988-1998 + 2007 to Current – Best finish 3rd. Various names have led to various success, albeit moderate success. Not winning.
GOLD COAST TITANS (NRLW) – 2021 to Current – Best finish Grand Finalist. Have at least made a Grand Final, the last possible finishing position without winning.
GOLD COAST SUNS (AFL) – 2011 to Current – Best finish 12th. Lots of fanfare for their arrival, not lots of winning, or even finals since.
GOLD COAST SUNS (AFLW) – 2020 to Current – Best finish 5th. Not winners, but their best finishing position is better than the men.
GOLD COAST FC (Football) – 2009-2012 – Best finish 3rd – surprisingly competitive in three seasons, probably because of Shane Smeltz. Not Clive Palmer.
GOLD COAST COUGARS / ROLLERS (NBL) – 1990 to 1996 – Best finish 8th. Not even Australian Basketball legend Larry Sengstock could inspire Gold Coast Basketball into winners.
DAIKYO DOLPHINS (BASEBALL) – 1990 to 1993 – WINNERS – So we have actually found a professional sports teams on the Gold Coast that can described as winners. Although on a technicality the team was called Daikyo Dolphins not Gold Coast, so doesn’t count.
But there’s a different vibe this season. Much like the don’t give a f—k attitude on the Gold Coast in general, it feels like the Titans may employ a similar tactic. Instead of working out which of their four fullbacks are the best, they decide to play them all. Why wouldn’t you. They’re all great. And to have that youth and speed all over the place may be exciting to watch. David Fifita will be in form early in the season and just long and good enough to be ignored by Queensland selectors and his place taken by Captain Plod aka Kurt Capewell. And big Tino is back, with one of rugby league’s best hairdos. But it will all end in delightful chaos and a top eight finish.
CANBERRA RAIDERS
Canberra will be written off as no hopers, and terrible, and a place that won’t achieve anything or get anything done, and the Canberra Raiders aren’t looking any better according to most experts. But it’s so easy to pick the Raiders to come last, as it is so far away no one will remember the pre season prediction. Except Ricky Stuart. The man Roy and HG call the Angry Any and Carlos Smearson will know. The man would win a medal at the grudge Olympics if they held one. And given the current organisation of the 2032 Brisbane Olympics, maybe the Grudge Olympics is all Brisbane will be able to host. Potentially being played in the function room of the Blue Fin Fishing Club in Inala. Which is actually great and underrated. But back to rugby league, Canbbera will do their thing of not putting a run together of any result enough to threaten top form or get Ricky Stuart close enough to the sack. Much like Canberra itself, most normal people will ignore it all. Except for when the Federal Election is on. And that Antony Green does his thing on the ABC on Election night.
DOLPHINS
The Dolphins have to do just a few things in 2025. Beat Wayne Bennett’s Rabbitohs, make the finals, and give more playing time to Ray Stone. Or else.
NEW ZEALAND WARRIORS
It isn’t a finals series without the Warriors scooping up some New Zealand fan hype and sprinkling that magic over September. Of course it will probably take until September and a finals berth for the Warriors to appear on Free to Air TV, but until then let’s hope it is just our little Fox League snobs secret. That’s Channel Nein’s problems when the Warrior march into the top four, become unstoppable at home, and play a brand of rugby league loved by all.
NEWCASTLE KNIGHTS
Another season that will rely heavily on Kalyn Ponga until he signs for the Roosters mid season. Which will see the wheels fall off, coach sacked and back to square one. Wherever that is. Could be a bar in Newcastle for all I know.
MANLY SEA EAGLES
I probably shouldn’t have saved this one until last, as I’ve run out of things to say and hate. Although I will say that Manly are much harder to dislike these days for some reason. Maybe it’s the honesty of the Trbojevic brothers. Probably not DCE. And certainly not their celebrity fan Michael “Slats” Slater. They’ll probably finish in the top eight somewhere and feature in a lot of Channel Nein games.
ST GEORGE ILLAWARRA
As long as “Flanno” is in charge of the Dragons I hope they finish last every season. No matter how many Guthos they have. There, I said it. And take that all you Fox League cronies.
2025 NRL Season Preview Stuff
We’ve done a lot of stuff ahead of the new NRL season, and here it all is.
READ MORE: THE GURGLER’S 2025 NRL SEASON SPECIALS
NRL 2025 SEASON LADDER PREDICTIONS
WOODEN SPOONERS 2025 NRL HEADLINES
