Alternative Sporting Universe – Real Life Uses for a Nightwatchman

Why should Cricket have all the fun, we think all everyday people should be given the chance for Real Life Uses for a Nightwatchman to help them through life's difficult moments.


The nightwatchman is a great Australian sporting tradition, there’s nothing like throwing in a someone else to do your dirty work while you take it easy.

But why should it have just a sporting use.

In a long awaited return of our Alternative Sporting Universes we investigate how we can use the Nightwatchman in everyday life.

How many different things in everyday life could you use a Nightwatchman? Well, we came up with six.


Getting home late from Afternoon Drinks

Ever stayed at the Pub a little too late on a Friday/Saturday/Thursday/Wednesday/etc. afternoon, and are fearing the wrath of your significant other? Maybe it is time to bring in the Nightwatchman.

Before you step in the front door, the Nightwatchman is sent in to get the first wave of anger. The plan is that the Nightwatchman gets all the anger and when the wind is out of the sails they are substituted back out and the drunkard is sent in.

Beware though, like any use of a Nightwatchman it could go pear shaped. The Nightwatchman may not last long and you then still get the most of the first wave of anger and interest for the using the substitute. Or the Nightwatchman is bamboozled into thinking everything is fine and you walk into the onslaught.


Boring Speeches at Work Functions

Work functions are usually great events, highlighted by free alcohol and food, and to a lesser degree the company of your work colleagues. But it’s not all about the camaraderie and consumption, there’s usually a lot of speeches to be endured. And it usually coincides with the closure or slowdown of bar service. A nightmare situation.

Enter the Nightwatchman.

Whilst your new friend sits there patiently to the huzzahs and talk of low hanging fruit, you are in the bar next door, on the Pokies or even out in the carpark with your emergency can O Guinness or a cigarette. Once the speeches are over you got back to your usual slot, more relaxed than before.



No one likes queuing, who would? But it does provide another situation for the use of a Nightwatchman in everyday life.

There is certainly some etiquette to queuing, so for others behind your place in the line something will need to be used to identify the person as a Nightwatchman so you don’t look like a line cutting jerk.

So as long as your Nightwatchman is clearly marked for all, it is fine to take it easy whilst the Nightwatchman does all the work.


Boxing Day Sales

There is nothing more dangerous than the opening to a Boxing Day Sale. Whilst it hasn’t got to the stage of the Black Friday Sales in the US, the use of a Nightwatchman is not a bad idea.

While others are pushing, shoving, punching, and eye gouging their way through the initial rush, including the Nightwatchman, you’ll be waiting at the end of the rush with Credit Card at the ready, safe and calm.


Cooking a BBQ in Summer

BBQ’s in Summer are great, but if you live in a part of Australia that can hit 40 degrees and 80% humidity, then it could be time to send out the Nightwatchman to do the early hard yards.

The nightwatchman will have to stand outside in the heat, and in the mean time you can be safe and cool in the air-con with a beverage and an eye on Fox Sports or the Cricket.

The risk is the Nightwatchman cracks it early and you have to do it anyway, but by then he or she has taken most of the real heat, and you still have time to take all of the credit.


Using Ticketek or Equivalent

Trying to buy a ticket for a popular concert or show is usually a pain in the arse. It takes so much of your life you will never get back.

We tried to buy Intrust Super Cup Grand Final tickets and spent more than 1.5 hours combined on the phone for no answer.

That wait will no longer have to be endured by using a Nightwatchman who will be the poor soul on the phone or website until bank details are required.

All you have to do is pay and sit back and think about the good time you’re about to have.

About Kaaps Loche 234 Articles
Kaaps doesn’t sleep much, and has a 60inch full HD TV and Foxtel, therefore watches more television than most. is also very strange and has a slightly different outlook on life, so comes up with a lot of rubbish that he thinks is funny and usually isn’t. Out of sympathy, we publish his stuff from time to time. So prepare your sympathy laughs and put that lovely drawing on the fridge for Kaaps.

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