Alternate Sporting Universe – If Channel Nein ran a Restaurant.

Ever wondered about an alternate sporting universe? We have, and we explain how a Restaurant would be run if Channel Nein were in charge.

alternate sporting universe

In between the boredom of a working week and catching public transport, we at The Gurgler often wonder how the world could be different, either what we could change or dream about an Alternate Sporting Universe.

We previously came up with an Alternate Sporting Universe when we explained how the MKR producers would do the Football World Cup differently. A good idea, but thankfully not one taken up otherwise we’d need 6 years between them.

This time we wonder for some reason what would happen if Channel 9, I mean Channel Nein and Wide World of Sports were in charge of running a restaurant. We got the idea fresh from the amazing job of the second State of Origin that Channel Nein put out. For many reasons we can’t wait until the third and final instalment.

So here are some of things you would expect in an alternate universe with Channel Nein in charge of a restaurant.

  • Restaurant Opening Hours are from 6pm, but nothing will be served before 7:30pm to ensure all patrons get their fill of shitty, outdated, dross laden, irrelevant Current Affairs type show.

  • During State of Origin there will be no Red Wine available as it too closely resembles maroon, although we point out that we are completely neutral at the Channel Nein Restaurant.

  • Despite the Head Chef being passed their prime 5 years ago, we have ensured he’ll be around for another 5 years to ensure the same quality is churned out night after night./

  • And yes, for those fans of the Head Chef and Sous Chef arguing like old ladies throughout dinner service, we have ensure the Sous Chef will also be staying.

  • We guarantee a Brisbane sourced meal at least once a week on Thursday or Friday night.

  • Before each meal is delivered you will be given the odds and able to bet on the quality of the meal. You may also bet live in play if our mobile TAB operator is available.

  • Throughout eating your meal, you will be interrupted by staff asking you if you enjoyed the myriad of other Channel Nein shows like the Voice, Married at First Sight and 20 to 1.

  • Please advise when booking a table if you are from Canberra or New Zealand, we will need to find where that is first.

  • We will attempt to show your meal being cooked through our tremendously successful Meal Tracker on Ipad that have been installed at your table.

  • When requested, a Spider Cam can deliver your meal.

  • Whilst we have experienced wait staff on hand who are knowledgeable and eloquent, we will ensure that their impact is minimised and the boofheads will take over.

  • For no good reason we will try and crowbar Michael Slater in somewhere.

  • In summer every patron can guarantee we will have a group of 7 staff members who will completely ignore anything you want and proceed to talk amongst themselves for 7 hours recounting how wonderful they used to be and still think they are. When required to actually do something will be painfully over the top with enthusiasm.

Our promise to you at the Channel Nein Restaurant is to Tell You What You Want. We know What You Want…What we Want.


Please note that franchised restaurants will only be able to open on Sunday afternoons from 4pm, and will only be available in the Sydney Metro region.

About Kaaps Loche 234 Articles
Kaaps doesn’t sleep much, and has a 60inch full HD TV and Foxtel, therefore watches more television than most. is also very strange and has a slightly different outlook on life, so comes up with a lot of rubbish that he thinks is funny and usually isn’t. Out of sympathy, we publish his stuff from time to time. So prepare your sympathy laughs and put that lovely drawing on the fridge for Kaaps.

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