John McEnroe coach Nick Kyrgios? Surely you can’t be serious. On paper it doesn’t sound the greatest of ideas. Blind leading the blind, etc. But John McEnroe has recently said he would love to coach the wayward Australian Tennis Jerk. A player he has called a fellow Head Case, “boneheaded” and “not doing our sport any good”. Whilst they may all be true at times, it comes across as a little bit of Pot Kettle.
But perhaps it would be like a double negative into a positive. Or closer to the truth, only a Tennis Jerk of the magnitude of the man previously known as Superbrat would know exactly what to focus his energy on with Nick Kyrgios.
Despite taking up a temporary coaching arrangement with Sebastien Grosjean (our fourth favourite French Tennis player of all time behind Yannick Noah, Henri Leconte, and Cedric Pioline), surely a quick, intensive, Tennis Boot Camp with John McEnroe could be a way to turn talent and potential into winning. What does he have to lose, instead of his patience with himself and humanity when it all eventually goes pear shaped in a Wimbledon Quarter Final in a few weeks time.
We say we’d love to see John McEnroe coach Nick Kyrgios. It will either end in sport’s most spectacular melt down and media war, and continued nominations for our monthly and annual Jerk Poll. Or John McEnroe may just unlock the key for Nick Kyrgios. Either way we’ll claim both as Australian Sporting Gold.
But why should we stop at the possibility of John McEnroe coaching Nick Kyrgios? Surely we can come up with a few more unlikely sports star to mentor/coaching scenarios. And we will.
TODD CARNEY TO BE KEYNOTE SPEAKER ABOUT OFF FIELD BEHAVIOUR AT NRL YOUTH CONFERENCE
If there can be something as unlikely as hearing about John McEnroe coach Nick Kyrgios, and our double negative theory, why not have the man who took off field to a whole new level.
Whether he could teach them life lessons by telling not them not to do what he has done, or perhaps introduce a whole repertoire for the youngsters to copy is unknown. Pissing in your own mouth will take some beating, but the best always strive to be better. And what a treat to pass that onto the next generation. Newspapers and outraged breakfast news shows and viewers will thank you.
LEWIS HAMILTON TO OPEN COURSE ON TV INTERVIEWING SKILLS FOR UP AND COMING DRIVERS
There’s hardly a more awkward TV interview in Formula 1, or indeed many modern day sports than an interview with Lewis Hamilton when he’s not in the mood, which is most of the time. Some would go on to call him a Jerk, and nominate him in our Jerk of the Year poll, especially after he trash talked Indycar after Fernando Alonso’s attempt at Indy. We wouldn’t though, we think he’s grrrrreat.
So who better to guide youngsters through the fishbowl existence of an F1 driver than the man who loves interviews like no other. Then hopefully we can all have a generation of Lewis Hamiltons.
BEN JOHNSON TO COACH USAIN BOLT
Despite winning multiple gold at multiple Olympics, and breaking multiple World Records, surely there is still more for Usain Bolt to achieve in Athletics.
For instance being the first man to break 9 seconds for the 100m, or winning gold in the 4 x 100 m relay by himself by the length of the straight.
To do that he’ll need to add a little something extra to his talents, and who better to find that little extra than the disgraced former Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson. His appearance in recent Sportsbet commercials shows he has a sense of humour, so surely he’d be up for bolting more onto the Bolt.
JOHN DALY TO COACH TIGER WOODS
A golfing match made in heaven. Who better to get the former best player in the world back on track than Long John Daly.
18 holes can and should take a long time, so could you imagine the stories swapped and life lessons discussed as they trudge the fairways. Or at least compare notes.
No one could get Tiger back to the top of the leaderboard than John Daly, and what a great time they’ll have getting there.
PASTOR MALDONALDO TO COACH LANCE STROLL
Given the young Canadian’s troubles in this year’s Williams F1 car, what better than the silky skills of Grand Prix winner Pastor Maldonaldo to dig him out of the hole.
Although Stroll scored his first points of the 2017 on the weekend, why settle for such mediocrity when he could call upon the popular former Williams driver from Venezuela.