May 28, 2017

12 Things Learned from Australia v India 1st Test

A new writer joins the team, and this time it is another pseudonym with an attempt at humour. Cricket guru Dayne Rzeszkowski joins the team to give his thoughts on the best of the action from Pune.

australia v india 1st test

New Gurgler contributor  takes you through 12 points of interest from the Australia v India 1st Test…..

12 Things I learned and/or observed from Australia’s epic, massive, timely and long overdue victory against India in India in the first test in Pune:

 

My bleating and whining about Steve “SOK” O’Keefe’s continual non-selections for many years was validated (he took 6 for 35 in each innings of the match, breaking all kinds of ludicrous records).

 

My ability to derive sufficient satisfaction from his performance (and not then call out the entire “anti-SOK” world on Facebook) is non-existent, as I put up multiple posts in a smug, arrogant and “told you so” fashion as SOK continued to saw through the Indian line-up.

 

Steve Smith must have been a pain in the arse as a kid (especially at birthday parties or on the red Cottee’s), such is the jittery, hyperactive, excessive, dramatic and ludicrous way he carries himself whilst batting (love him all the more for it though, and his 109 was the stuff of legend, even if he had about 43 lives in getting there).

 

Renshaw accumulated 2 x very different types of runs in his first innings (the poor, 20-year old lad – on his first indian trip – acquired an upset stomach and raced off the field as Dave Warner fell, much to the surprise of his teammates and disgust of ex-captain and overall badass/legend Allan “AB” Border).

 

Allan Border is the Australian cricketing community’s “angry dad” – AB derided Renshaw for leaving the field, urging him to basically stay on the field and shit himself in front of squillions of TV viewers, proclaiming “I hope he’s half-dead and lying on a table for him to have left the field like that” (AB has been contacted by QLD Health to give seminars on how to improve bedside manner in our hospitals).
Harbhajan Singh is about as reliable as an analyst of the game as he is on the witness stand in court. Harbhajan is an ex-Indian spinner who averaged over 30 with the ball in all 3 x formats for his country (aka a mediocre player), and who predicted Australia would lose this series 4-0 in a landslide, and who blatantly and obviously and offensively called Andrew Symonds a “monkey” during a series that India lost to Australia. Harbhajan then proceeded to lie on the stands (the matter went to court), souring Symonds’ taste for cricket in general, meaning his early retirement. Thus, a significant and early reduction in the population of most aquamarine life was felt (Simmo fishes, like a LOT). Ergo, Harbhajan will be directly responsible for the fact that children of the next generation do not get to taste classic arvo snack “I & J fish fingers”, a tragedy of human rights.

 

Mitchell Starc is friggen good these days in any format, in any country, on any surface, and against any side, and with bat or ball.

 

Nathan Lyon is starting to look like a combination of a Nerf pool toy and Stewie Griffin from Fox’s animated sitcom “Family Guy”.

 

Virat Kohli is as bad with DRS as he is godlike with the bat, and has a poker face about as good as that of a stoner on acid watching “Adventure Time” reruns.

 

Literally nobody expected Australia to even compete, let alone win.
Preparing a pitch that looks like a plantation of rabid, radioactive goats has feasted upon it only serves to send the home team on a hiding to nothing (a mistake India will likely not make again anytime soon).
I’m literally terrible at writing succinct, punchy headlines.
So that was 12 things I learned from Australia’s wonderful victory against India in Pune over the weekend.

Conversely, and despite my age, I’ve also failed to learn how to iron a shirt or tie a tie despite working in a white-collar job and having a tie be a mandatory part of my school uniform, but that’s another listicle altogether.

 

From the Editor…

Anyone feeling like a bash of cricket on a Sunday on the Sunshine Coast should take a look at the Last Man Standing Competition. Dayne is your man for this.

last man standing sunshine coast

 

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