The Gurgler Fixes…Boring Olympic Events

Our series of The Gurgler Fixes....continues, and this time we have boring Olympics events in our sights. Now that the Olympic hype has disappeared it's time to fix some of the events and bring them into the new Entertainment age.

olympic events

It has been almost two months since all the Olympic events have wound up, and what can anyone remember? We had a few thoughts/lessons at the time that even we’ve forgotten.

Possibly the Australian pentathlete who won gold because it was one of the last events. Definitely Usain Bolt’s winning ways. Perhaps eagle eyed fans can remember some of the earlier gold medal winners from Australia.

Few will recall any other non-Gold Mmmmmedal winners. Even fewer will recall Emma McKeon & Brittany Elmslie, as they had been forgotten about within seconds of the Campbell sisters single handedly winning the 4 x 100m relay.

Fans of The Gurgler will no doubt remember our search for Australia’s Best Forgotten Olympian – won by Loudy Tourky / Wiggins.

There was a distinct lack of “Best Games Ever” spouted after the Rio 2016, but given the lead up and the actual games it was no surprise.

But it could have been so different. Or it could be so different in the future.

We are right behind the tilt for a Brisbane Games Bid in 2028. We have also come up with some ideas for new sports at the Tokyo Olympics in 2020. But now we want to give some tired traditional current Olympic events a little more Jazz.

Given the Japanese people’s love for crazy TV game shows and life in general, what better time to add a little more excitement to some old Olympics events.

Here for yours and the IOC’s consideration are our Fixes for boring Olympic Events.

 

LONG JUMP

Although the Long Jump is one of the better Olympic Events, that doesn’t mean it can’t be improved.

Whilst we are in favour of keeping the traditional Sand Pit to land in, we say that the sand should only be supplied after 5 metres. In between would be a 10 metre pit, providing extra incentive to make the jump. It would also remove the need for monitoring fouls as the Jump line is from the edge of the pit, and overstepping could see an athlete lose balance and fall into the pit.

Better Still – Adding a Croc, Snakes or Michael Slater to the pit will give even more reason to jump and jump well.

HIGH JUMP

Another great Olympic event, but another not free from potential improvement.

The vent can take a bit longer than it should, so to save unnecessary jumps we think it is time to change the bar to Piano Wire, ensuring athletes will want to clear it by plenty. Although it may lead to less breaking of records as athletes are shit scared of going near the height.

Worse Still – the Wire could be Electrified.

SAILING

Rio 2016 did their best to make Sailing more interesting by having the event on water that was almost fatal if you fell into it.

That could be repeated, but it a little old now. We say add Pirates amongst the sailing boats to provide extra obstacles for the sailors. They would now have to battle conditions, opponents, Jibs, and the menace of Pirate ships.

The winners will of course receive their gold in a little chest and offered a Parrot for their shoulder.

BASKETBALL

Stop the USA Teams from letting all their stars play to give someone else a chance. Limit to their best three. They would still be earning twice the entire budget of Lesotho’s Olympic team. Or have no holds barred foul free action.

VOLLEYBALL

Volleyball is one of those forgotten Olympic events, usually tucked away in the back of the Olympic coverage. We say setting fire to the ball will bring it right to the forefront of the fan’s imagination.

Each team can call upon three Flaming Ball rounds were they ball is set alight and teams must play on despite any degree burns. Or an electrified floor – activated when ball hits the deck on your side of the court, The options are endless and hilarious.

HAMMER THROW

In a new twist for this event, the Athletes have 30 seconds from picking the weighty ball up, to making it land on the grass.

How does that work? Well, the ball is sitting on a special contraption which triggers a 30 second countdown for an explosion once it is picked up. The athlete then has 30 seconds to get in position, spin around, throw the thing and land it before it explodes. This will eliminate tedious time wasting, and make for some spectacular action when they almost hit the ground but explode instead.

ROWING

It is a long, boring trip for the rowers. And the fans. We say have cannons located every 100 metres and fire at the participants. The IOC, along with whichever “Partner” can run competitions to be the person to fire them.

STEEPLECHASE

One of the Olympics events most in need of a facelift. Who wants to see athletes running around the track with tiny little pools of water to slow them down.

We say take it to the streets and have Urban Steeplechase. Runners will now have to dodge milk crates, small animals, junkies, discarded Courier Mails and other urban waste.

At a minimum you could add something more unpleasant than water to the pits around the track. Although one could argue that Rio water was unpleasant enough. What about acid, paint or steaming dog turds?

GYMNASTICS

The POMMEL HORSE at a minimum could be rotated whilst compeditors are using the apparatus. This may end up more like a Bucking Bull at a northern Queensland nightclub. Good.

The BEAM could easily have a few deadly snakes installed under it for maximum tension at performance time.

Some say UNEVEN BARS are hard enough, we say not. Why not have the Uneven bars moving up and down at random speeds whilst in action. That or a small electrical charge is randomly emitted through either bar.

The FLOOR ROUTINE with the ribbons could well get an upgrade with the addition of dangerous swords instead of easil handled ribbons or that big glass Stonker they use these days.

 

 

About Kaaps Loche 216 Articles
Kaaps doesn’t sleep much, and has a 60inch full HD TV and Foxtel, therefore watches more television than most. is also very strange and has a slightly different outlook on life, so comes up with a lot of rubbish that he thinks is funny and usually isn’t. Out of sympathy, we publish his stuff from time to time. So prepare your sympathy laughs and put that lovely drawing on the fridge for Kaaps.

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