Save our Sizzler – Who’s fault and how to save an Aussie Icon

The sad news has been announced that an Aussie Food Icon – Sizzler (once famed for Steak, Seafood and Salad) is in big financial trouble and likely to close down restaurants. More proper reporting on it this can be found here.

It will be a sad day for The Gurgler if they do in fact close down, many a fond memory can be pictured from Sizzler adventures of the past. Gargantuan Ice Cream challenges, trying to pocket as many Jubes from the dessert bar to eat on the way home, and sharing one jug of water between five because someone is too much of a tightarse to play for soft drinks. And that cheese toast.

And think of the victims, the staff, the families, the many uni students who need somewhere to kill five hours and to stock up their share houses with steak knives, and won’t somebody think of the children.

So, who’s to blame? We have a list of potential causes.

THE TARO OF THE PROBLEM

JAMIE OLIVER
His campaign on healthy eating has started to take affect, and people are now avoiding places that offer all you can eat. The world is worse for it.

COMMERCIAL NEWS
People don’t want to be filmed on the news from the neck down for some obesity story or something on the ills of soft drinks, so now they search for healthier activities to avoid being shown at 6pm. And the fact that the company is Queensland owned means 60 Minutes probably hate it too, and have something “balanced” planned. Luckily for most of us 60 minutes became irrelevant some years ago and we won’t see it anyway.

FOOD HIPSTERS
The people that have turned food in some kind of exclusive art. No longer is a mere green salad enough, it has to have four kind of rocket, kale, coconut infused apple cider vinegar, and quince paste jus drizzled over the top of kaffir lime leaves. The multitude of food photos on social media have turned food into a bragging sport. Sizzler try but can’t compete.

CAMPBELL NEWMAN
The downturn coincides with the Newmanator’s tenure as premier. Is it a coincidence?

GLOBAL WARMING/CLIMATE CHANGE/WHAT CLIMATE CHANGE?
The burden on the environment has caused prices for all food to increase. Sizzler in their efforts to please everyone have to buy bits of everything and are being hurt by their generous offerings.

THE COLONEL
KFC has white-anted it’s own stablemate with promises of Popcorn Chicken, Tacos, and Potato and Gravy.

SO HOW DO WE FIX IT?

Let’s be honest, you not going to Sizzler for a steak, they are better and much cheaper and most other places including RSLs and League Clubs. And seafood, well most of it is deep fried, and the local F & C has got that grease requirement sorted too. No, Sizzler has to throw caution to the wind, and two fingers to Jamie Oliver and embrace the all you can eat culture.

So The Gurgler has a plan to save Sizzler. It’s all you can eat goodness.

THE GRAND SMORG.

The Grand Smorg is a title bestowed upon anyone who can fulfil the mountainous requirements of eating as big an amount as you possibly can. Like all good eating challenges, it comes with a prize, but more of that later.

How do you obtain a Grand Smorg? Well you require 10 Smorg points to be handed the Grand Smorg title. These can be achieved for various plates and bowls throughout your stay with Sizzler.

Here’s the list of Smorg Points….

3 Smorg Points – MAIN MEAL (Not Salad Bar)
2 Smorg Points – BURGER MEAL (Not Salad Bar)
2 Smorg Points – Salad Bar Plate*
0.5 Smorg Points – Soup Bowl **
0.5 Smorg Points – Dessert Bowl **
0.2 Smorg Points – 1 x Cheese Toast

-0.5 Smorg Points – for any more than one soft drink. Drinking is cheating.
-3.0 Smorg Points – for a number 2 toilet break.

* Salad Bar Plate has to be full and is at the discretion of people at your table. Must receive a majority yes vote of 75%
** Must be at least half full and contain Croutons/Sprinkles where appropriate.

And there must be prize, and the lamer the better. It also goes without saying that a photo of said person is installed on the proudest of walls. We have a proposed T-Shirt reward below.

So there you have it. Are you listening Collins Foods? No need to shut them down, just ramp them up with a Grand Smorg. Fun for all the family.

 

GRNAD SMORG