Welcome to the first of one of our regular bits leftover from our temporarily extinct podcast – the Crapothetical.
Simply, it is what normal people would call a hypothetical, except it is about crap subjects, with even more crap responses. We answer the questions no one is asking, that no one would think of, and that no one will care.
Lack of readership hasn’t stopped us before, why would it.
This edition is about which cartoon characters from the past would make the best XIII in a rugby league team. The older and more obscure the better, and we’ve got both covered.
So enjoy our first Crapothetical, answer the questions you don’t need answers to.
THE CARTOON RUGBY LEAGUE XIII
1 – FULLBACK – ASTRO BOY
With the ability to fly thanks to jet propelled feet, no one is safer under the high ball.
2 – WING – SPIDERMAN
Cross field kicks for this corner are no problem with the Red masked wonder able to reel in a kick of varying quality with his web shooting hands.
3 – CENTRE – TASMANIAN DEVIL
Hard to defend against, and the best hit and spin in the game. Doesn’t pass the ball, but that hasn’t hurt Justin Hodges.
4 – CENTRE – CAPTAIN CAVEMAN
When not using his club in attack or defence, he can simply yell at defenders to break the line.
5 – WING – ROADRUNNER
Speed to burn like a feathered Martin Offiah, but enough smarts to outwit any opposition. Especially teams trying to distract by offering plates of free seed.
6 – FIVE EIGHTH – INSPECTOR GADGET
With tricks galore, he is the ultimate play maker in the half pairing. Able to deliver a half width of field cut out pass directly to the chest of runners with his go-go gadget arms.
7 – HALFBACK – ORKO
Crafty and Evasive. Whilst he has no legs to kick with, is very hard to tackle because of it. Reads a game like no other.
8 – PROP – BEBOP
Rough and ready, forms a menacing partnership with Rocksteady.
9 – HOOKER – REN HOEK
Scheming and bordering on psychotic , his small stature but feisty attitude makes him the perfect rake.
10 – PROP – ROCKSTEADY
The other half of the TMNT front row partnership. Has the best offload of any cartoon character in the world.
11 – 2nd ROW – HE MAN
Big, strong, and powerful, don’t let his perfect man-bob haircut and outfits of leather vests, underpants and knee high boots, he is the real deal of second rowers.
12 – 2nd ROW – MAN AT ARMS
A throwback to a different era with his moustache and alfoil helmet, he is the cartoon equivalent of Terry Matterson and Gene Miles.
13 – LOCK – HULK
Green and mean, and with a fend that can’t be beat.
14 – SHREDDER
Almost impossible to tackle with the blades on his arms and legs. Injuries are the main concern, usually caused by tripping on his cape.
15 – FAT ALBERT
No side I a side without a larger than life lovable character in the vein of George Rose. So we plump for Fat Albert.
16 – HAGAR THE HORRIBLE
Providing a little more muscle than speed, Hagar’s in your face aggression and horned helmet makes him someone to avoid tackling or being tackled by.
17 – HENRY’S CAT
Like most 4th reserves, they are the least useful, and it provided us the opportunity to come up with the most obscure cartoon character we could remember from afternoons on ABC.
COACH – CAPTAIN PLANET
If anyone can hold a rag tag bunch of personalities and skills, it’s Captain Planet.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY LEAGUE CARTOON SIDE