Gurgler Six Pack – FIFA Presidential Race Alternatives

The nominations close for the FIFA presidency on Thursday, and despite previously claiming he wouldn’t run again as president for a fifth term, Sepp Blatter is indeed standing again to finish what he started. If that means making FIFA the most corrupt, hated sporting organisation in the universe, he could easily stand down now. With sponsors leaving and more likely to fly from the nest, there may not be the money this around to keep aside for themselves.

Sepp has thrown down the challenge to anyone to take him on as president, and has accused the most powerful non FIFA footballing body Uefa of lacking the “courage” to challenge his leadership.

One could argue that there is plenty of courage and willingness to unseat him, it’s just a futile exercise as somehow he would come out on top, and as seen with the challenges to the recent corruption report, reputations would get smashed to go with the humiliation of defeat.

Some may argue that he has achieved a lot in his time, and Wikipedia has listed the below “achievements” listed in Wikipedia.

  • The silver goal replaced the golden goal rule in extra time of play-off matches.
  • Since the 2002 World Cup, the current World Cup champion no longer automatically qualifies for the next World Cup finals, as was the case for the champions of all 16 previous World Cup[59]
  • National associations must enforce immediate suspensions of all players sent off during a game, even if television replays offer compelling evidence of a player’s innocence. In particular, Blatter insists that a referee’s judgement must be seen as final and that mistakes are part of the game. The FA, however, has refused to follow this directive. Also refer to Blatter’s views on referee Valentin Ivanov at the 2006 World Cup for believing in referees.
  • The game implemented the booking of players who remove their shirts after scoring a goal, as well as those who are guilty of ‘over-zealous celebrations’.
  • In 2007, Blatter decided that no football matches will be played above 2500 metres (8200 ft) above sea level. This number was revised to 3000 metres (9840 feet) on 26 June 2007.

In addition to that list there’s also the video replay for goals going over the line which FIFA strenuously denied until the most recent World Cup, thereafter claiming it was their idea all along.

There’s also the $36M spent on making a movie telling the world how great they were. So far they have only received less than $500,000 back for their 90% involvement.

You could go on forever, we haven’t mentioned the 2018/20122 World Cup selection process, but we need to unveil our 6 alternative candidates. We could list the actual competitors to the throne, but David Ginola aside, ours are hopefully funnier and even less likely.


MR BURNS A balding tyrant who controls his empire without regard for anyone nor popular opinion. Tried to block the sun, sack numerous employees through trapdoors, steal oil from a school. Although not real and a cartoon character, still more likeable than Sepp Blatter. Corrupt enough to bribe any less wealthy football confederation.

PRINCE PHILLIP if you need a balding head of an organisation that can make gaffes-a-plenty, offends minorities and embarrass the organisation without any chance of being replaced, maybe they should consider the newly knighted Sir Prince Phillip. Likely to receive UK tick of approval.

MR T With an organisation full of questionable characters and practices, few other would pity fools than Mr T. That kind of fool-less accepting attitude could be the backbone of a new FIFA era. Would surely garner the necessary votes in the Americas block to run.

BOUTROS BOUTROS-GHALI Time for an elder statesman who has been there and done that at the highest level to bring respectability back to FIFA. There’s no one better and with a better name than B to B to the G. Would likely receive a chunk of middle east and African votes.

ERIC CANTONA If you need footballing experience with a can-do and kick arse attitude, how about Eric Cantona ruling with an iron boot. A new broom could be swept with either a menacing glance or wild kung fu kick for anyone not up for reform. Popular with all football nations.

A BAG OF MANURE Despite the obvious lack of experience and communication difficulties, would surely do a better job, and stink only a little more than the current FIFA management.

About Theydon Bois 283 Articles
Born and raised on the banks of Yebri Creek, Theydon Bois has always been obsessed by sport. A stellar career of Underage B sides, RSL Social Golf, C Grade Warehouse and D Grade Indoor Cricket didn’t showcase much talent, but provided a window into the love for any game, any time. Theydon follows as much as he can and will provide opinion, ideas, and best tips and bets for most sports*. A particular interest in English Football sees Theydon Bois up every Saturday night until 2am with two laptops, smartphones, IPad and a radio feed of Soccer Saturday. A lifelong fan of underperforming, mediocre, disappointing teams will not sway his enthusiasm for sport. *Rugby Union not included.