By Kaaps Loche.
My letter sent to Santa was returned the other day. No Christmas present for me. So, looks like he didn’t even check his list once for me. Fat, useless, fool.
So in lieu of my Christmas wishes, I’m sending my letter to The Gurgler on my wishes for 2014 entertainment. Although I’m expecting the same response.
1 – KFC to stop sponsoring cricket for the love of God. Although they should be commended for disposing of the perfect storm of douche (Madden-Slater bowls love fest) that’s enough of the saturation of their saturated fat. Also, if you are advertising something, how’s about actually having someone who will eat the stuff. Case in point – Australia v England burger – 2 men – zero bites.
And for fast food in general – fewer wankers pretending or not even bothering to eat the food. Show us someone with a size larger than 6 who you know will actually eat it. And for McDonalds summer ad, no way would I accept an arse $5 note from anyone to pay for food.
2 – A Stefanovic Death Match – two brothers fight to the death so there is only one left to host all seven days of Today show. Whilst on the Today show, how about at least pretending that Sydney and Melbourne aren’t the centre of the universe and send the weather person to another place. On second thoughts it’s only Steven Jacobs so they can have him, and in fact I don’t really care anyway.
3 – More news. A weekday day off shows what life is like during the week and should provide all the motivation to find a job if that is the case. I can also say is that they should be the most informed people on earth which news covering most of the day. Although, second thoughts again, they do include those aimless, brainless, painful forum full of people who you barely recognise, care about or understand why they are giving you their opinion on the subject of the day. Kochie’s Angels, G Gap, Channel 9 Yap fest, any post 9am weekday show – so pointless, so worthless, so commercial news.
4 – Improve Reality TV Shows
MKR – More Crying
THE BLOCK – More use of blockisms at every opportunity – also see our previous article about new Block ideas.
MASTERCHEF – In addition to more tears – new Masterchef ideas after Kids, Professionals and Celebrities. Please consider the following:
Masterchef Animals – Elephant v Donkey v Dog v Cat etc.
Masterchef Christmas Island
CELEBRITY APPRENTICE – more of the same big names please.
BIG BROTHER – release a bear at midnight
5 – Clive Palmer to have Hinch style 7pm current affairs show. If not available due to Canberra duties, a weekly Sunday night address to the nation would suffice, entertain and inform.
6 – Creflo A Dollar Jnr bumped to prime time.
7 – Coles and Woolworths to be limited to one ad per hour per channel. Please, it’s not enough that they have cornered the supermarket game, now they have TV covered with their range of ads. Enough. Enough I say.
8 – A few more advertorials channels of Freeview would be good. Robot Vacuums need more time.
9 – Underbelly – Tour de France
10 – Sports Tonight to return to its 30 minute daily programme hosted by Roy and HG.
11 – Lotto draws to be revamped, hosted by Hotdogs, and to include the drawn ball to be shot out of a mini cannon, exploding on impact and the number illuminating from the smoke. Lotto judges to be a rotating roster of Elvis impersonators, Seeing Eye Dogs, Former NQ Fury A League players and Tim Webster.
12 – A large enough scandal that removes Michael Slater from all TV. ALL. If only he realised how universally he was hated.
All that or just watch Foxtel and especially Fox Sports.